Talking about photography yesterday got me to thinking about my life pre-baby. Of course I had a lot less responsibility and commitments to anything and anyone, let alone another persons little life, but I remember a time when I felt a bit more alive. Where I could put my mind to something and actually do it, I had dreams and things I wanted to discover, and I could throw caution to the wind and actually go out and achieve these things.
Now this isn't to say that I wish my life was different now, or that we hadn't had Theo, or that he wasn't in my life now, because I really really don't. Bringing Theo into this world has been the best experience of my life so far, the biggest adventure and the biggest test of my strength and spirit. It's also the most rewarding thing I have ever done. Growing, delivering and nurturing a new life is without a doubt my biggest achievement to date. But that doesn't mean I can't wish for a little more, right?
I know lots of people struggle with the loss of their identity when they become a 'mummy' and for a while it's fine, that's all you want to be and you can't imagine not being completely engrossed in this little being and not wanting to leave their side, ever. But slowly as they get older and want more independence, so do you. I want to feel like I have a place in this world other than being a mum, I want to push myself in other ways and experience new things, aside from all that motherhood throws at me.
When I was younger I always worked hard for what I wanted to achieve. When I was in school I was pretty good at athletics and sprinting, and would push myself to train and compete outside of school and I had ambition, but sadly as I got a bit older and went to college I discovered the joy of going out and drinking, which kind of put a stop to my athletics dream (I regret this). When I was in my gap year I worked 3 different jobs so I could save up enough money to go traveling, and planned and went on two great trips. In University I overcame my shyness and pushed myself to go out into the world, into the unknown, to travel and meet new and interesting people and subjects and make work. I mostly worked really hard at uni to achieve good results and I loved it. There were obviously times when I didn't feel inspired or motivated and I know everyone goes through these patches, but mainly looking back now it was a time where I could achieve a lot when I put my mind to it.
But now I just feel lazy. I want good things to happen to me and opportunities to come up, but I just don't have the energy to put into getting them myself. I want to sit back and for things to just come to me. But I know life doesn't work like that, if you really want something you have to go out there and work really hard for it. You have to put yourself on the line, take chances and try your hardest to make things work. So if I know this, why can't I do it? Am I trying to do the wrong things, am I not inspired enough, am I looking in the wrong places, or am I simply in a rut and don't know how (or not willing to put the effort in) to get out?
I honestly try and sit down and think of what I would like to do with myself. What job would I like to do, what would make me happy, push me and motivate me? I don't have a clue. I just don't know where to start really.
If someone would like to come over, tell me all the things I'm good at and how and what I should put those things into, that would be a great help. But for now I'll just sit here and wait...and try and convince myself to apply myself.
In a few weeks Rob and I will be taking a little trip, just us. We will be visiting two of my best friends, who have always managed to inspire me. So I hope that does the trick!
In other news, I decided to finally put myself on the Top Baby Blogs website, in hope to promote myself and my blog and the tipis a little more. It's a start right? Anyway they have just reset the counters so it would be great if you would like, to vote for me and this here little blog. I don't expect to get very far, but it would be great if you enjoy this blog to give me a little love! (You can do it everyday if you really feel like it!) Thank you x