when you never think it will happen to you

So much like this time last year, this week has been tiring, stressful and emotional but for entirely different reasons.

As we approach our first wedding anniversary this weekend, I can say I've never been more grateful to have a husband to be there by my side. 

So I don't know really where to start, but I feel I need to write it down and record this. It's been quiet over these past few months as I'd been suffering quite badly with morning sickness and pregnancy wipe out. We told close friends and family, but as usual we were going to wait until the 12 week scan to share our good news with the rest. Our scan was booked for next Tuesday, and we were awaiting it with excitement and hope that I start to feel better. But like so much else that happens, things don't always go according to plan.

We decided to try again for another baby earlier this year, and after everything went well with the house move and the start of renovating we gave it a shot and without too much trouble I became pregnant quickly. I felt happy, but also scared, unsure of the future and whether it would be too much for me, but excited to embark on that journey none the less. We wanted this baby but the reality of it is scary, counting down the months left of just a family of three. As the weeks progressed I felt sick, was sick many times and felt entirely different to my pregnancy with Theo. Perhaps because of the circumstances of my first pregnancy, our age and the naivety that nothing could go wrong I felt excited and attached from the beginning first time around. It was unknown and a sort of adventure. 

This time felt different. I didn't ever voice my concerns or worries, but there was always a shadow of doubt and fear of something going wrong in the back of my mind. It was something that wasn't there before, but was ever so present this time. I don't know whether it was because I was feeling so sick, but I just didn't feel as attached, or as jubilant. I don't know whether it was intuition, but forward to 11 weeks, this week, my fears were confirmed. In the evening of Monday I suffered with bleeding, and the next morning after seeing my GP I was referred to the early pregnancy clinic for a scan. We sat and waited in a corridor with other couples there for perhaps similar reasons, awaiting the news they were dreading or hoping for. This scan was not filled with the excitement of seeing the baby for the first time, it's arms and legs flickering on the screen. I felt sick with worry, but as we waited it out in that hallway I held onto the hope that it was just something that happens sometimes, and everything would be ok. When we eventually got called into the dark room we waited for the news we didn't want to speak about. I couldn't see the screen, but Rob could, and for a brief moment he saw an image on screen and thought everything was ok. A minute or two later, we were gently told that there was a baby there, but sadly it no longer had a heartbeat. Whilst I was technically 11 weeks, this little baby had stopped growing around 8 weeks. My body remained in its pregnant state, it felt pregnant, it still does. In that moment of loss it became apparent how much we did want this little being in our lives, and the loss of it was devastating. 

It's only been a few days, and we've had to make decisions on how to go forward and how to return to normal. This world of loss and this sort of pain is new to me, and I don't really know how to feel. It happens to so so many people, people I know personally and people I don't but it still doesn't change it. I feel empty, sad but numb. It's one of those things you don't ever think will happen to you, but as the weeks went by and more and more people announced their new pregnancy's, safely making it past the 12 week mark. In the back of my mind I thought about the 1 in 4 statistics and feared the worst. I'm sad for the life that isn't meant to be, for the future we were planning, and I'm just sad that this happens, to me and to many others. It makes me thankful for our healthy child, and makes me even sadder for people who experience complications and loss further on in pregnancy and infancy. Pregnancy, childbirth and parenting is something that I never knew could contain such utter joy, but such utter devastation also. You put your whole being and emotion into creating new life and for however amazing and mind blowing it can be, the other side is just as intense. 

So thats where we are. We're just taking it one day at a time, looking forward to the future and trying to stay positive for Theo. I feel ok about it, but I'm unsure of how the grieving process will go. Sharing it here is something that I feel is important. It helps me process and after all is a moment in our family history that we will never forget and that life, however short, deserves to be thought and talked about. It may seem self indulgent, or over sharing and I know that people suffer much more in silence, but I believe it's good to talk. To know that other people out there have experienced the same as you and go on to get back to normal is helpful. I feel like these things need to be talked about.