A pregnancy update, of sorts

So it always seems that about a week before a hospital appointment my mind starts going into overdrive with worries and questions. Perhaps it's just because it's been awhile since I've had reassurance and any information from medical staff, and because we've probably been having to give answers to people that we're not actually 100% on ourselves.

 I'm just about 32 weeks. That means there's only 8 weeks to go. We were told at our last hospital appointment that I wouldn't be allowed to go overdue, but can wait for natural labour to start before that point. I have a small feeling that the baby will make an appearance early, but I don't know if that is just paranoia (please don't come too early baby, we need you to be big and strong!) and worry making me think this way. After all Theo was a week overdue and to be honest I think he could have stayed in there a week longer if it was up to him (a stretch and sweep seemed to get him going sooner than he would have liked I think).

 I'm feeling huge. I'm measuring about 34 weeks, so I'm looking pretty big too. But so far the pregnancy seems to be continuing in a good fashion. I've started to get the dreaded restless legs in the evening a lot more, heartburn is sneaking in at times and moving my tired body around is sometimes a struggle, but other than that I still feel pretty good. I have found that I'm starting to need to eat a lot more regularly, and can't really go two hours without feeling hungry again. But it all feels pretty normal. Except I know that it's not all normal.

 We've got appointments booked in next week for a growth scan and a heart scan, which could both potentially be the last. We'll also discuss the plan for birth so perhaps I'll know a little more then about what to expect. So far I think I will be able to have a natural birth, which to be fair is already filling me with dread. I didn't really have a great birth last time, not that I really realised or felt that traumatised over but looking back it wasn't the best experience. There was a lot of fear involved, and this time I'm afraid of the fear already. Last time I entered labour excited to be able to finally meet the boy who'd been wriggling around inside me for so long, but fearful of the change it would all bring. My labour didn't go as 'planned' and it ended up being pretty medicated and I didn't feel in control one bit. When thinking of having a second I always dreamed of being able to give it another go, to perhaps get the birth that was more in control and a lot less fearful. But now I'm not so sure.

 There is so much worry already surrounding the birth, and in a way I know that my body and my mind may well hold back on birthing this new baby boy. For I know that as soon as he is born he will be taken away pretty quickly to be stabilised and have scans, leaving me alone. When Theo was just a day old or so he had to be taken to NICU for a scan because of an infection he picked up, which resulted in a week long stay and antibiotics, but I still clearly remember the pain of having to be separated from him, even if it was just for a few hours. I can't even begin to imagine that pain that I'm going to feel knowing it could be hours before I can see my baby again, and then not really be able to hold him or feed him. He'll be linked up to wires and tubes in the calm yet ultimately very scary NICU. We'll become those parents that you have no idea how to be. To have to find the strength to sit and watch your baby, just hoping that everything goes ok. I know he'll be in the very best hands, and actually feel so lucky that we are all aware of the problem before hand so the very best precautions can be taken, but it still doesn't stop the fear. Inside at present he is protected by me, but outside it will all become real. The intensive care, the surgery, the waiting, the recovery. Being split between a sick baby and hospital visits and a near 5 year old who will still need his parents.

 I have been looking a little into hypnobirthing and just wish it was something that we could afford to do. I know that being able to stay in control for the labour and stay calm would help immensely, but I just don't know how to manage that on my own. I'm starting a yoga class soon which will hopefully help with the breathing, but I know both Rob and I will be feeling stressed about all that will come. I've got myself a book I need to read, and I need to find some breathing techniques that could help, but it all just feels so scary. I know getting myself worked up about it now isn't going to help, but sometimes it's pretty unavoidable. Right now it seems like the calm before the storm. It hasn't really sunk in that we will have another baby, another child in our lives as that all seems so far away. I forgot how much babies change things, even healthy ones.

 I've finally started buying a few baby clothes, which I'll do a little post on later and nesting is fully kicking in. I want everything sorted soon, I need to feel in control about some aspects of this baby coming. Christmas is creeping up fast and will soon be here, and I know it can all pass in such a blur. Then the countdown will truly begin. Hopefully next week will put my mind as ease once more, and I can find some way of coping with the anxiety and fear that is happening....