I've not spoken about this for a long while but suddenly this time of year rolls around, the trees are heavy with blossom, new life is emerging every where we look and whilst it fills me with joy there is also this feeling of sadness for could have beens around this time. It all feels like a cruel trick sometimes.
This was when we were supposed to be meeting our April baby, the one that never made it. I should be remembering that time when I was heavily pregnant, eagerly awaiting the time we'd get to meet our second baby. Would we have celebrated those first few birthdays with little picnics in the park under the heavy blossoms, would we now be celebrating the fourth birthday, soaking up those last few months before they would start school. There are so many unanswered questions and it breaks my heart that we'll never know.
The thing is, there's not much time that goes by where I don't think about that little life and what it could've been, who you might have been and how different it would all look now. Would the sibling relationship be different, would they be able to play together more, would our lives be filled with another boy or would it have been a girl this time. It's such a strange feeling to mourn memories that didn't ever happen but it's that feeling that gets me the most. Like a little window opening up and a glimpse into the future, but like a train whooshing past a station without stopping, those images and views are gone so quickly, that moment lost but yet the journey keeps on going.
I'm not sure whether I'll ever be able to look at April in the same way, whether this date will always hold some significance but it's all we really have left to link us together, me and the would be babe.