October in pictures, part 1


So in light of me trying to revive my blog I thought I would try and start doing my monthly roundup of portraits. I like to do this because otherwise I feel guilty that I have this huge amount of portraits that I really like, just sitting there on my computer not doing anything. I also love to look back at the end of the year (like now) and see it all neat and in order so I can remember what it was we did that month. I really am going to try and keep this up! I promise! 

But here was the start of October, still warm enough for no coats and after school walks before the evenings shortened. The start of that amazing Autunmal light, fallen leaves and conker and sweet chestnut hunting. Warm weekend walks and cosy days inside. October, you're always stealing my heart! 


October in pictures, part 1


So in light of me trying to revive my blog I thought I would try and start doing my monthly roundup of portraits. I like to do this because otherwise I feel guilty that I have this huge amount of portraits that I really like, just sitting there on my computer not doing anything. I also love to look back at the end of the year (like now) and see it all neat and in order so I can remember what it was we did that month. I really am going to try and keep this up! I promise! 

But here was the start of October, still warm enough for no coats and after school walks before the evenings shortened. The start of that amazing Autunmal light, fallen leaves and conker and sweet chestnut hunting. Warm weekend walks and cosy days inside. October, you're always stealing my heart! 


May portraits


So it's been a little while since I've posted over on here, I think I've been so busy trying to get my photography website (GO see it here though!) in order that any spare time to sit at the computer has been consumed by that. But it's done and I desperately want to get back to blogging a little more regularly. I share photos over on Instagram still daily, but I find it so hard narrowing it down and just picking one. I often have so many favourites from a 'shoot' so sharing them here is a great way of making sure they all get some love! 

So here are some portraits from May. It was a good month. 





May portraits


So it's been a little while since I've posted over on here, I think I've been so busy trying to get my photography website (GO see it here though!) in order that any spare time to sit at the computer has been consumed by that. But it's done and I desperately want to get back to blogging a little more regularly. I share photos over on Instagram still daily, but I find it so hard narrowing it down and just picking one. I often have so many favourites from a 'shoot' so sharing them here is a great way of making sure they all get some love! 

So here are some portraits from May. It was a good month. 





The mourning of the baby years

I've been feeling this growing sense of sadness over the past few months. It's like a weight on my chest. Yes things have been stressful around here of late but I guess sometimes your emotions have a funny way of catching you out. I've tried to speak about it with a few people but it just catches me out, the sadness threatening to overspill and I have to stop.

It's a strange sadness, a mourning almost, it's happy but nostalgic. It's a sense of loss but of losing something that is still there right in front of you, not quite gone but never coming back. My heart has been aching for all those years that have sped by so unforgivingly, to be left with rose tinted memories and cherished moments. I feel guilty when I admit this, but I miss the time of me and him.

I don't ever wish that Rohan wasn't here with us, part of our family and so dear, my love for him is untainted by these feelings and the joy of him being here outweighs these feelings of sadness. But those emotions are here all the same.

I just found myself searching through old photographs and hot tears fell down my cheeks, as I scrolled through each photo it feeling as quick as the years passing themselves, Theo's childhood flashing before my eyes and me failing to keep up. I feel we're on the cusp of a big change, the next cycle and the true goodbye to those innocent years of childhood. Already I can see other people starting to weave their way into his being; his language, his thoughts, his influences. I feel each day a subtle change, and whilst I admire his independence and in-take of his world, soaking up information and forming his own ideas, I feel my own influence waning. I miss those years where he was just mine.

I know that you can never own a child, they are yours only to guide, not to control. He is, and always has been his own person in his own right but I feel like I'm handing some of that responsibility over and I'm not ready. I'm not ready for our special bond to be widened, even though it already has. He will always be my first born, the one who changed me and whilst I know that will never change, I know too now how quickly it slips through your fingers. It makes me fear for the future, for blinking and another five years has been and gone and left a new person in it's wake. Time is cruel and forever the saying "the days are long but the years are short" plays through my head. I know looking back it's easy to think how easy it was, how joyous the days were when I know that in truth it wasn't.

I didn't find it easy and I didn't enjoy it all, but now I long to step back in time, to spend one more day with a baby Theo, a two, three, four year old. To have his little hand creep into mine, to spend the afternoon curled together on the sofa watching another Thomas the tank engine and him squeal out the names of his favourite trains, to pack up a bag and head out for an adventure lasting all day, to watch him learn to leap without fear off objects onto the bed or into our arms. I miss the baby giggles and the big open mouth kisses. I miss the feel of his little body curled against mine as we co slept, I miss just having my little side-kick, my friend and the time of just me and him.

I love Theo now in all his growing up glory, his new adult teeth, his reading, his excitement for new crazes, his ideas. But now I know that this too will feel so long ago so soon. I feel torn when encouraging him to do things for himself, with the knowledge that he won't need me for all those little things anymore, it's like I've become to conscious of time passing and I'm clutching at moments before they too have passed to just memories. I don't want to go on like this, scared for change and the future. I can't wait to see him grow further, to experience all that comes with an older child and to carry on watching him bloom as an older brother. I don't know why just now this has all crept up on me, this feeling of loss and grief. Maybe I will always feel like this, my baby, my first, that attachment never quite lessening. I know he still needs me now, and I try my hardest to be there for him in return.

The other day we were chatting and he told me that sometimes he feels like I don't have as much time to do things with him because I am with Rohan, and whilst my heart broke I told him that we were so lucky that we had five years together just us, and Rohan will always have to share me. He then said like your love, we have to share your love. So I explained (whilst we were eating an Easter egg) that when Rohan was born my love for Rohan didn't split his easter egg in half, to be shared, that in fact Rohan has a whole new Easter egg, and Theo's remained intact. Both the same.  I hope he knows how much I love him, how much I cherish those years we had and how much I want to give more time to him now if I had it. I am trying to be present for him, to make more time to play a game one on one or chat because I know, even if it's for five or ten minutes, that it makes a difference. To us both.

I know too that I have another chance to experience childhood again through Rohan, however different it may be. Life with Rohan seems to be going in slow motion too, I get to keep him as my baby for a little longer.

Agh motherhood, why are you so bittersweet, so full of absolute joy that in turn, one day will make you feel wretched all over again.

The days are long, but the years are short. Don't I know it.


The mourning of the baby years

I've been feeling this growing sense of sadness over the past few months. It's like a weight on my chest. Yes things have been stressful around here of late but I guess sometimes your emotions have a funny way of catching you out. I've tried to speak about it with a few people but it just catches me out, the sadness threatening to overspill and I have to stop.

It's a strange sadness, a mourning almost, it's happy but nostalgic. It's a sense of loss but of losing something that is still there right in front of you, not quite gone but never coming back. My heart has been aching for all those years that have sped by so unforgivingly, to be left with rose tinted memories and cherished moments. I feel guilty when I admit this, but I miss the time of me and him.

I don't ever wish that Rohan wasn't here with us, part of our family and so dear, my love for him is untainted by these feelings and the joy of him being here outweighs these feelings of sadness. But those emotions are here all the same.

I just found myself searching through old photographs and hot tears fell down my cheeks, as I scrolled through each photo it feeling as quick as the years passing themselves, Theo's childhood flashing before my eyes and me failing to keep up. I feel we're on the cusp of a big change, the next cycle and the true goodbye to those innocent years of childhood. Already I can see other people starting to weave their way into his being; his language, his thoughts, his influences. I feel each day a subtle change, and whilst I admire his independence and in-take of his world, soaking up information and forming his own ideas, I feel my own influence waning. I miss those years where he was just mine.

I know that you can never own a child, they are yours only to guide, not to control. He is, and always has been his own person in his own right but I feel like I'm handing some of that responsibility over and I'm not ready. I'm not ready for our special bond to be widened, even though it already has. He will always be my first born, the one who changed me and whilst I know that will never change, I know too now how quickly it slips through your fingers. It makes me fear for the future, for blinking and another five years has been and gone and left a new person in it's wake. Time is cruel and forever the saying "the days are long but the years are short" plays through my head. I know looking back it's easy to think how easy it was, how joyous the days were when I know that in truth it wasn't.

I didn't find it easy and I didn't enjoy it all, but now I long to step back in time, to spend one more day with a baby Theo, a two, three, four year old. To have his little hand creep into mine, to spend the afternoon curled together on the sofa watching another Thomas the tank engine and him squeal out the names of his favourite trains, to pack up a bag and head out for an adventure lasting all day, to watch him learn to leap without fear off objects onto the bed or into our arms. I miss the baby giggles and the big open mouth kisses. I miss the feel of his little body curled against mine as we co slept, I miss just having my little side-kick, my friend and the time of just me and him.

I love Theo now in all his growing up glory, his new adult teeth, his reading, his excitement for new crazes, his ideas. But now I know that this too will feel so long ago so soon. I feel torn when encouraging him to do things for himself, with the knowledge that he won't need me for all those little things anymore, it's like I've become to conscious of time passing and I'm clutching at moments before they too have passed to just memories. I don't want to go on like this, scared for change and the future. I can't wait to see him grow further, to experience all that comes with an older child and to carry on watching him bloom as an older brother. I don't know why just now this has all crept up on me, this feeling of loss and grief. Maybe I will always feel like this, my baby, my first, that attachment never quite lessening. I know he still needs me now, and I try my hardest to be there for him in return.

The other day we were chatting and he told me that sometimes he feels like I don't have as much time to do things with him because I am with Rohan, and whilst my heart broke I told him that we were so lucky that we had five years together just us, and Rohan will always have to share me. He then said like your love, we have to share your love. So I explained (whilst we were eating an Easter egg) that when Rohan was born my love for Rohan didn't split his easter egg in half, to be shared, that in fact Rohan has a whole new Easter egg, and Theo's remained intact. Both the same.  I hope he knows how much I love him, how much I cherish those years we had and how much I want to give more time to him now if I had it. I am trying to be present for him, to make more time to play a game one on one or chat because I know, even if it's for five or ten minutes, that it makes a difference. To us both.

I know too that I have another chance to experience childhood again through Rohan, however different it may be. Life with Rohan seems to be going in slow motion too, I get to keep him as my baby for a little longer.

Agh motherhood, why are you so bittersweet, so full of absolute joy that in turn, one day will make you feel wretched all over again.

The days are long, but the years are short. Don't I know it.


twelve - thirteen / fifty - two


12 / 52

13 / 52

A couple of weeks spent recovering. It was only two weeks of hospital, but it feels like it's taken this whole month to readjust. I guess the shock of suddenly being in, of the tiredness and travelling to and fro really threw me, not to mention coming to terms with it all emotionally. But we're so glad to be home and our weeks and weekends are generally spent close to home, exploring and settling into new routines and of course welcoming Spring. 

twelve - thirteen / fifty - two


12 / 52

13 / 52

A couple of weeks spent recovering. It was only two weeks of hospital, but it feels like it's taken this whole month to readjust. I guess the shock of suddenly being in, of the tiredness and travelling to and fro really threw me, not to mention coming to terms with it all emotionally. But we're so glad to be home and our weeks and weekends are generally spent close to home, exploring and settling into new routines and of course welcoming Spring. 

eight - eleven / fifty-two


8 / 52 

 9 / 52

10 / 52

  11 / 52

It's hard to know exactly when I took each of these photos as the last few weeks has just disappeared into a blur of hospital and not much else. I had my camera for some of those moments but the strain of being present in hospital and rushing between children becomes too much to record and archive it here.

So here marks the last few weeks, of being in, then getting home from hospital. Healing walks to try and appreciate the right now, rejuvenating afternoons at home playing and of course sweet moments of brother embraces to make all the bits in between more bearable.

I have no idea if I'm up to date, have skipped ahead or am behind in weeks, but that sort of sums up this time really. All over the place and trying to find our feet. 

eight - eleven / fifty-two


8 / 52 

 9 / 52

10 / 52

  11 / 52

It's hard to know exactly when I took each of these photos as the last few weeks has just disappeared into a blur of hospital and not much else. I had my camera for some of those moments but the strain of being present in hospital and rushing between children becomes too much to record and archive it here.

So here marks the last few weeks, of being in, then getting home from hospital. Healing walks to try and appreciate the right now, rejuvenating afternoons at home playing and of course sweet moments of brother embraces to make all the bits in between more bearable.

I have no idea if I'm up to date, have skipped ahead or am behind in weeks, but that sort of sums up this time really. All over the place and trying to find our feet. 

6 & 7 / 52


A portrait of my children, once a week, every week in 2016

So these two weeks have been eventful, a trip to Devon, a stay in hospital, a lost tooth and a different sink to bathe in. It's the start of half term and I think we could all do with a break and a rest. Things rarely go as planned and these few weeks have been a true example of that. I'm hoping that with the passing of the weeks and the arrival of Spring we can start to clear those winter cobwebs, start afresh and embrace the change. 

6 & 7 / 52


A portrait of my children, once a week, every week in 2016

So these two weeks have been eventful, a trip to Devon, a stay in hospital, a lost tooth and a different sink to bathe in. It's the start of half term and I think we could all do with a break and a rest. Things rarely go as planned and these few weeks have been a true example of that. I'm hoping that with the passing of the weeks and the arrival of Spring we can start to clear those winter cobwebs, start afresh and embrace the change. 

And then you were six


Six. Actually six. I told him to stop growing the other day because I'm not sure I can really fathom the fact that I'm a mother to a proper child. I'll convince myself every year that this is the last year that he'll really feel like my baby still, but I feel like six is the last. Five was manageable, even though we had started our school journey it was just reception, he still needed me for lots, still retained a little baby roundness to his face. But that's all dropped away, he can read, he can write and he thinks he knows everything all ready.

Of course he still needs me, and there's that innocence still there. There's the belief, magic, wonder and make believe that's at it's peak but will all too quickly start to fade. He has such a curious mind, he wants to know all the facts, is fascinated by patterns and sums and he loves to tell you all that he knows.

This boy though, it's so hard to believe that I started writing this blog here because of the little bean that had started growing inside. All those thoughts and wonderings on how our lives would be once he was here. Then he arrived and changed it all and we spent those five years with just him. I can't believe how lucky I was to spend the majority of those years just being with him, showing him the world. To watch him grow has been a privilege. It's not been easy, and it's still not easy at all, in fact I feel like we're facing big challenges right now but he really is amazing.

I still find it so hard to take in that he's so grown up, to think back to him being just as small as Rohan is now. I long for more time with him when he was little, to step back in time and hold him when he was just a baby, or keep his little hand in mine for a while longer. It's that cruel reality that you wish away the hours in the day but before you know it years have sped by and you can hardly remember what their voice sounded like at that age or how their mannerisms have changed. I know I have all of this to come in one way with Rohan, it might not be the same of course, but I feel a little bit of mourning when I think back to Theo's childhood gone by. I want to do it all again, and yet I know when I was there I would miss this Theo now. But it's tough, five has been hard, but I'm really trying not to wish it away.

I feel bad that five has been difficult, it's been hard on him. He's had to adjust and learn to become a brother. His world of just us three was changed, and changed so dramatically. He had to see his brother, a baby, go through all that he did, experience us not being there properly for two months whilst he adjusted to all that change. He had to learn to share us after so long of it just being him. He's taken to it all so well, he loves his brother with so much adoration and care it makes my heart explode. Then we shook his life up once more and changed his school, we left the place where he's grown up, swapped the city for the countryside. He loves the countryside and being out here, and hopefully in the long run it will all work out, but two big changes in one year is a lot for an emotional five year old. On top of that we've been stressed and stretched thin, perhaps not being as patient as we can with all that we've been through this year ourselves.

But we'll get there. He's doing ok. There's a lot to take in with Theo, slightly different ways of behaving which are challenging and there may be a reason for that somewhere. He's incredibly bright and confident, people all seem to know his name and it just feels like he is open to learning so much. He can pick up computer games just like that, maths is his favourite and he loves making dens. He likes to dance, to build complex lego, to sit a read his beano to himself. He loves animals and learning facts about them. His favourite food is still pizza and filled pasta and we've still convinced him that he doesn't like fizzy drinks. He's not so fond of being kissed anymore, but will occasionally permit you to do so on the cheek and give you one back. He logical and literal, almost too much sometimes. He is kind, he likes to help people out and he loves to be given little tasks and instructions to complete (but that doesn't include getting dressed or putting his shoes on, because I don't think any child can do that when asked first time!). He has funny sayings and ways of speaking that he's picked up, his current favourite being "I'm deadly serious". He currently loves Harry Potter, Lego Nexo Knights, owls, star wars, furbys and angry birds.

But there we are, I'm sure there's a thousand more things about Theo that I could write, but it's hard to remember each individual thing, but they all add up to him. He's unique, not like other kids, and that can be hard, but amazing too. He's Theo and sometimes I can't believe that I've managed to document him growing up on here, but I'm so glad I have. I can't believe we've made it to six, six already! We survived those first five years and I think we've done a pretty good job. Theo you are great. And loved, so very much.



And then you were six


Six. Actually six. I told him to stop growing the other day because I'm not sure I can really fathom the fact that I'm a mother to a proper child. I'll convince myself every year that this is the last year that he'll really feel like my baby still, but I feel like six is the last. Five was manageable, even though we had started our school journey it was just reception, he still needed me for lots, still retained a little baby roundness to his face. But that's all dropped away, he can read, he can write and he thinks he knows everything all ready.

Of course he still needs me, and there's that innocence still there. There's the belief, magic, wonder and make believe that's at it's peak but will all too quickly start to fade. He has such a curious mind, he wants to know all the facts, is fascinated by patterns and sums and he loves to tell you all that he knows.

This boy though, it's so hard to believe that I started writing this blog here because of the little bean that had started growing inside. All those thoughts and wonderings on how our lives would be once he was here. Then he arrived and changed it all and we spent those five years with just him. I can't believe how lucky I was to spend the majority of those years just being with him, showing him the world. To watch him grow has been a privilege. It's not been easy, and it's still not easy at all, in fact I feel like we're facing big challenges right now but he really is amazing.

I still find it so hard to take in that he's so grown up, to think back to him being just as small as Rohan is now. I long for more time with him when he was little, to step back in time and hold him when he was just a baby, or keep his little hand in mine for a while longer. It's that cruel reality that you wish away the hours in the day but before you know it years have sped by and you can hardly remember what their voice sounded like at that age or how their mannerisms have changed. I know I have all of this to come in one way with Rohan, it might not be the same of course, but I feel a little bit of mourning when I think back to Theo's childhood gone by. I want to do it all again, and yet I know when I was there I would miss this Theo now. But it's tough, five has been hard, but I'm really trying not to wish it away.

I feel bad that five has been difficult, it's been hard on him. He's had to adjust and learn to become a brother. His world of just us three was changed, and changed so dramatically. He had to see his brother, a baby, go through all that he did, experience us not being there properly for two months whilst he adjusted to all that change. He had to learn to share us after so long of it just being him. He's taken to it all so well, he loves his brother with so much adoration and care it makes my heart explode. Then we shook his life up once more and changed his school, we left the place where he's grown up, swapped the city for the countryside. He loves the countryside and being out here, and hopefully in the long run it will all work out, but two big changes in one year is a lot for an emotional five year old. On top of that we've been stressed and stretched thin, perhaps not being as patient as we can with all that we've been through this year ourselves.

But we'll get there. He's doing ok. There's a lot to take in with Theo, slightly different ways of behaving which are challenging and there may be a reason for that somewhere. He's incredibly bright and confident, people all seem to know his name and it just feels like he is open to learning so much. He can pick up computer games just like that, maths is his favourite and he loves making dens. He likes to dance, to build complex lego, to sit a read his beano to himself. He loves animals and learning facts about them. His favourite food is still pizza and filled pasta and we've still convinced him that he doesn't like fizzy drinks. He's not so fond of being kissed anymore, but will occasionally permit you to do so on the cheek and give you one back. He logical and literal, almost too much sometimes. He is kind, he likes to help people out and he loves to be given little tasks and instructions to complete (but that doesn't include getting dressed or putting his shoes on, because I don't think any child can do that when asked first time!). He has funny sayings and ways of speaking that he's picked up, his current favourite being "I'm deadly serious". He currently loves Harry Potter, Lego Nexo Knights, owls, star wars, furbys and angry birds.

But there we are, I'm sure there's a thousand more things about Theo that I could write, but it's hard to remember each individual thing, but they all add up to him. He's unique, not like other kids, and that can be hard, but amazing too. He's Theo and sometimes I can't believe that I've managed to document him growing up on here, but I'm so glad I have. I can't believe we've made it to six, six already! We survived those first five years and I think we've done a pretty good job. Theo you are great. And loved, so very much.



3 / 52 and 4 / 52


A portrait of my children, once a week, every week in 2017


A double once again, but hopefully I'm all caught up and back on schedule. These past two weeks have flown by, but have seen us take a little trip to the seaside and wonder at the beauty of the beach in winter time. We've mainly just been spending time at home too, which is something to tell the truth I've never been very good at, always needing to be busy and off out somewhere, but for once I feel content to stay at home and just be. That includes enjoying the quiet moments of a bath in the sink, the early morning pink glow on a face peeping through the curtains and a just woken up baby face in bed.

Oh and in the spirit of trying to include ourselves in the frame a little more, here's my favourite sibling, father and mother portraits too.



3 / 52 and 4 / 52


A portrait of my children, once a week, every week in 2017


A double once again, but hopefully I'm all caught up and back on schedule. These past two weeks have flown by, but have seen us take a little trip to the seaside and wonder at the beauty of the beach in winter time. We've mainly just been spending time at home too, which is something to tell the truth I've never been very good at, always needing to be busy and off out somewhere, but for once I feel content to stay at home and just be. That includes enjoying the quiet moments of a bath in the sink, the early morning pink glow on a face peeping through the curtains and a just woken up baby face in bed.

Oh and in the spirit of trying to include ourselves in the frame a little more, here's my favourite sibling, father and mother portraits too.



Siblings


Oh these two, I think I've lost count of the amount of times my heart feels like its burst open from love and pride.

From that very first day when I saw Theo nervously gaze into the incubator to see his baby brother covered in wires, lights and tubes and reach out a hand to touch him only to withdraw it because he wasn't quite ready. My eyes filled with tears and my breath caught in my throat and I wanted to hug him and tell him it would all be ok. He'd waited so long to meet his brother, but that meeting was so far from anything I'd ever imagined it to be. But eventually his hand reached out again and he stroked Rohan's arm for the first time.

All the way through the pregnancy I worried about how another baby would affect Theo. Long before we knew about any potential problems, and after, of course when we worried about how Rohan's condition and potential additional care would impact on Theo. We tried to to talk to him about what was happening, to keep him involved the best we could. We had to face a conversation with him before we knew the results of the testing we had done whilst I was pregnant, to try and break it to him that things weren't as straight-forward as we'd hoped, Theo might not get to meet this baby or that he might be very poorly. It broke my heart to tell him this, over our dinner table with both Rob and I trying to hold back the tears that we eventually let come.

But you know what, I'm glad that we showed Theo that emotion, that we shared with him some of the difficulties we faced because I think it made us all stronger. The pure love and excitement that Theo has shown has been endless. From the moment when we told him I was pregnant and he took in the scan photo to nursery and broke the news to just about everyone, to the pride in introducing him when he was finally out of hospital. I overheard him trying to explain to his classmates what some of the wires and tubes were when they asked questions and something which he himself just took in his stride. It makes me well up just to think about now, all those precious moments.

He still to this day wants everyone to meet "his baby brother" and loves more than anything to show off how he can make him giggle. Because he can the most. Rohan's little face lights up whenever he sees Theo and most definitely encourages the silliness and loudness of Theo's attempts to make him laugh. But there are sweet and tender moments too, when Rohan's upset Theo will try and comfort him and now that they are both bigger and stronger he likes to pick him up and hold him (with our supervision!) to show him toys and read him books.

Through all of this there has never been any jealousy towards Rohan, and even though it's definitely not rosy all the time, their relationship, the look of adoration in each others eyes is something I could never have imagined. We don't really know what the future will hold for Rohan and indeed us all, but this bond, this relationship between them two is something I hope will only grow. So I thought I would just collect a few of my favourite photos so far of these two. How I love them so.


Siblings


Oh these two, I think I've lost count of the amount of times my heart feels like its burst open from love and pride.

From that very first day when I saw Theo nervously gaze into the incubator to see his baby brother covered in wires, lights and tubes and reach out a hand to touch him only to withdraw it because he wasn't quite ready. My eyes filled with tears and my breath caught in my throat and I wanted to hug him and tell him it would all be ok. He'd waited so long to meet his brother, but that meeting was so far from anything I'd ever imagined it to be. But eventually his hand reached out again and he stroked Rohan's arm for the first time.

All the way through the pregnancy I worried about how another baby would affect Theo. Long before we knew about any potential problems, and after, of course when we worried about how Rohan's condition and potential additional care would impact on Theo. We tried to to talk to him about what was happening, to keep him involved the best we could. We had to face a conversation with him before we knew the results of the testing we had done whilst I was pregnant, to try and break it to him that things weren't as straight-forward as we'd hoped, Theo might not get to meet this baby or that he might be very poorly. It broke my heart to tell him this, over our dinner table with both Rob and I trying to hold back the tears that we eventually let come.

But you know what, I'm glad that we showed Theo that emotion, that we shared with him some of the difficulties we faced because I think it made us all stronger. The pure love and excitement that Theo has shown has been endless. From the moment when we told him I was pregnant and he took in the scan photo to nursery and broke the news to just about everyone, to the pride in introducing him when he was finally out of hospital. I overheard him trying to explain to his classmates what some of the wires and tubes were when they asked questions and something which he himself just took in his stride. It makes me well up just to think about now, all those precious moments.

He still to this day wants everyone to meet "his baby brother" and loves more than anything to show off how he can make him giggle. Because he can the most. Rohan's little face lights up whenever he sees Theo and most definitely encourages the silliness and loudness of Theo's attempts to make him laugh. But there are sweet and tender moments too, when Rohan's upset Theo will try and comfort him and now that they are both bigger and stronger he likes to pick him up and hold him (with our supervision!) to show him toys and read him books.

Through all of this there has never been any jealousy towards Rohan, and even though it's definitely not rosy all the time, their relationship, the look of adoration in each others eyes is something I could never have imagined. We don't really know what the future will hold for Rohan and indeed us all, but this bond, this relationship between them two is something I hope will only grow. So I thought I would just collect a few of my favourite photos so far of these two. How I love them so.