More thoughts on developmental delay

It's strange, I've had two reoccurring dreams recently where I've dreamt Rohan has taken his first steps and said his first word (cuddle!) It felt so real and normal that I had to remind myself when I woke up that we're not quite there yet. It's frustrating because it just looks like it should be so easy (it's not, I know) and I have to try and stop myself comparing to how Theo was, or babies born nearly a year after him. I know he's doing amazingly well, and I'm so thankful for that, because we work hard with him so it's good to see some progress but sometimes it's just hard to stop yourself wondering.

He's still attempting his crawling, which is great, but it's definitely not as straight forward and linear as usual development. He seems to go back and forth with his abilities, one day doing well with moving (currently it seems he's favouring the commando style pulling himself along) and the next not so much. It's like every process is played in super slow motion, what would take a "normal" baby perhaps a few weeks to learn and progress takes Rohan months, if not nearly a year. So whilst his attempts at crawling are amazing, and believe me I'm over the moon, sometimes it's hard to remember that he still probably won't be properly crawling or moving before he's nearly two. It's hard because he's getting frustrated too.


I feel like I just want him to be able to join in more, we have to carry him or place him on the ground (and at 10kg+ this is getting pretty heavy!) and he's just so active, he doesn't want to be held, he wants to be on the ground, but when you get him there he just sort of gets stuck. He has to work so hard that he just gets tired, then frustrated, so we pick him up and then we start the whole process over again. I know that perhaps when he does eventually get moving I may be cursing and wishing for a time when it was easier to keep him in one place, but you know, grass is always greener!

I also find myself imagining what our daily scenes would look like if Rohan was following the "normal" development track. How would his and Theo's relationship be? Would he be able to join in more, climbing, racing around, speaking a few words and communicating more? Would they be able to play together more? I catch myself a lot of the time just thinking what would it be like if it all just went a different way, the way we had planned. What would our lives really look like. It just takes me back time and time again to the feeling of why us.


I longed for this baby for so long, and always slightly regretted not having children closer together. I think too often of how our lives would look if our miscarried baby had made it, how our days would be with a almost 2 and a half year old in them. How would Theo have been if he'd been made a brother a year earlier? I feel guilty for that, for not being able to give him a sibling sooner, or a sibling who could play with him more. That's not to say that they don't play together, because they do, and love each other dearly and I wouldn't change that. Theo gets so involved and is constantly talking about Rohan reaching his next 'target' and it's very sweet. But I do wonder at how much Theo realises that things are different, I wonder if he looks at other siblings and thinks that is how his life should look, or whether actually he just takes things for how they are and gets on with them. Maybe I should be doing this more?

I know we have so much to be thankful for too, that we have another child, that others suffer more and that our daily lives are thankfully pretty "normal" looking. But sometimes the what ifs just get the better of you.


More thoughts on developmental delay

It's strange, I've had two reoccurring dreams recently where I've dreamt Rohan has taken his first steps and said his first word (cuddle!) It felt so real and normal that I had to remind myself when I woke up that we're not quite there yet. It's frustrating because it just looks like it should be so easy (it's not, I know) and I have to try and stop myself comparing to how Theo was, or babies born nearly a year after him. I know he's doing amazingly well, and I'm so thankful for that, because we work hard with him so it's good to see some progress but sometimes it's just hard to stop yourself wondering.

He's still attempting his crawling, which is great, but it's definitely not as straight forward and linear as usual development. He seems to go back and forth with his abilities, one day doing well with moving (currently it seems he's favouring the commando style pulling himself along) and the next not so much. It's like every process is played in super slow motion, what would take a "normal" baby perhaps a few weeks to learn and progress takes Rohan months, if not nearly a year. So whilst his attempts at crawling are amazing, and believe me I'm over the moon, sometimes it's hard to remember that he still probably won't be properly crawling or moving before he's nearly two. It's hard because he's getting frustrated too.


I feel like I just want him to be able to join in more, we have to carry him or place him on the ground (and at 10kg+ this is getting pretty heavy!) and he's just so active, he doesn't want to be held, he wants to be on the ground, but when you get him there he just sort of gets stuck. He has to work so hard that he just gets tired, then frustrated, so we pick him up and then we start the whole process over again. I know that perhaps when he does eventually get moving I may be cursing and wishing for a time when it was easier to keep him in one place, but you know, grass is always greener!

I also find myself imagining what our daily scenes would look like if Rohan was following the "normal" development track. How would his and Theo's relationship be? Would he be able to join in more, climbing, racing around, speaking a few words and communicating more? Would they be able to play together more? I catch myself a lot of the time just thinking what would it be like if it all just went a different way, the way we had planned. What would our lives really look like. It just takes me back time and time again to the feeling of why us.


I longed for this baby for so long, and always slightly regretted not having children closer together. I think too often of how our lives would look if our miscarried baby had made it, how our days would be with a almost 2 and a half year old in them. How would Theo have been if he'd been made a brother a year earlier? I feel guilty for that, for not being able to give him a sibling sooner, or a sibling who could play with him more. That's not to say that they don't play together, because they do, and love each other dearly and I wouldn't change that. Theo gets so involved and is constantly talking about Rohan reaching his next 'target' and it's very sweet. But I do wonder at how much Theo realises that things are different, I wonder if he looks at other siblings and thinks that is how his life should look, or whether actually he just takes things for how they are and gets on with them. Maybe I should be doing this more?

I know we have so much to be thankful for too, that we have another child, that others suffer more and that our daily lives are thankfully pretty "normal" looking. But sometimes the what ifs just get the better of you.


Living with developmental delay


I thought it was probably time for a Rohan update, but I wanted to talk a little bit about how our lives are, surrounding his developmental delay.

I've spoken before about how we know that this is part of his syndrome, but most of the time I try not and focus on it and compare to where he "should" be, but in fact try and focus on what he can do and how he is developing in his own way and in his own time. Which is fine, like most aspects of his care and about him, at home when we're in our bubble, but stepping outside of that comfort zone is hard.

I don't even have to actually step outside of my home to feel the pangs of jealously and comparison, all I have to do is have a quick scroll through my social media to see babies born around a similar time to Rohan, walking around, saying their first words and generally becoming full blown toddlers. There are even babies born way after Rohan who are now further ahead in development than he is. I know I shouldn't let it, but it hurts me. I'm not saying that the parents of these children shouldn't share their milestones and everyday goings on, they have every right, but it still doesn't stop the feeling of unfairness. That old emotion coming back to get me.

I know that all children develop in different ways, and that hopefully he will walk and talk (but the fact that we even have to say hopefully, when normally you don't even think about the fact they might not be able to) eventually, and some may even look at Rohan's development and compare that to their own children, it's natural I think, but it's not really talked about. It's hard to admit that he's behind, or that there's something causing these delays. All leading back to the fact he's different, things are harder and not straightforward.

So here we are, he's now 16 months but still around the age of 7-8 months developmentally. He has low muscle tone which means his body has to work so much harder to support itself. I actually forget how old he is often because when people ask his age I just give a vague answer of "just over a year" when I don't feel like going into it, or there's not really time. I'm not sure how long I can keep this up for to be honest, but I've still not perfected our story or how much to say and when. I don't really mind telling people, it's just I feel awkward. He does still look babyish to me, but his face is starting to show different, more grown up features so it's going to become obvious soon that he's not really only one.

For complete openess here is what he can do. He can roll back to front, and sometimes front to back (unless he gets his arm stuck). He can stay sitting for long periods of time, but we have to put him in sitting position, his legs are usually straight and pretty rigid, and he spends a lot of this time counter balancing himself. He can use both his arms to play in this position though, and will use a good pincer grip and transfer items between his hands. He's started to learn that he can drop and throw objects, and will look for them after he's dropped them. He uses his arms to communicate a lot of the time what he wants, by reaching, gesturing and lunging. He can pick objects up and move them aside to get to what he wants. He's starting to weight bear more whereas before if you tried to stand him up his legs would just go up. When he's on his front he can prop himself up on his elbows and use his hands to play, he likes to open flaps and turn pages in books. He can feed himself with his bottle and now his sippy cup, he also likes to use other objects such as his stacking cups to 'drink' out of. He likes to make our hands clap together, but hasn't worked out how to clap his own, even though recently I've seen movements that look like the start of it and waving.

We've been having weekly play and physio sessions where we are working on the transition between sitting and lying, and back again. He's doing pretty well at turning himself from sitting with his legs straight, to side sitting, with his legs bent to the side which then can lead to him kneeling, and supporting himself with his arms. He's struggling a little bit with the other way, which is to get up from side lying and push himself up with his arms. The thing is, is I can't remember the "normal" way of doing this. I can't remember how Theo got himself into sitting, then to lying and then to crawling. It's like it all happened too fast, but Rohan is in slow motion. He gets so tired too, his little body having to work twice as hard, and he's stubborn. He doesn't like to be put in positions he doesn't want to be in. It's hard to see him like this, and I think we all want to see him on the move.

I just don't think I even anticipated the impact of him being developmentally delayed. I mean day to day it doesn't cause us many problems, it's just hard work. It's hard because we have to practice with him everyday, hard because he gets frustrated and stuck and I feel like we have to move him room to room with us and just plonk him down when we need to get stuff done (with toys!)
It's hard emotionally too, to constantly compare, or think how nice it would be for Theo to be able to play with him a little more, to see them sitting and playing or Rohan toddling after Theo in the garden. It's hard to have to try and cover it up, or try and explain, or answer questions. I also think it's just a constant daily reminder that he has this syndrome, and that he's different. And whilst I love so many things about Rohan that make him him, I just wish he wasn't so delayed. I hate to say that because I can't change it and it's not his fault, but it's the way I feel a lot of the time.

I do celebrate and get so excited when he learns something new, and I know each milestone for us will be such a big occasion. But for now I guess I just have to embrace the extended baby phase for a little longer. I know we'll get there in our own way and time, and for now Rohan can continue distracting everyone from his lack of movement by his lovely smile.



Living with developmental delay


I thought it was probably time for a Rohan update, but I wanted to talk a little bit about how our lives are, surrounding his developmental delay.

I've spoken before about how we know that this is part of his syndrome, but most of the time I try not and focus on it and compare to where he "should" be, but in fact try and focus on what he can do and how he is developing in his own way and in his own time. Which is fine, like most aspects of his care and about him, at home when we're in our bubble, but stepping outside of that comfort zone is hard.

I don't even have to actually step outside of my home to feel the pangs of jealously and comparison, all I have to do is have a quick scroll through my social media to see babies born around a similar time to Rohan, walking around, saying their first words and generally becoming full blown toddlers. There are even babies born way after Rohan who are now further ahead in development than he is. I know I shouldn't let it, but it hurts me. I'm not saying that the parents of these children shouldn't share their milestones and everyday goings on, they have every right, but it still doesn't stop the feeling of unfairness. That old emotion coming back to get me.

I know that all children develop in different ways, and that hopefully he will walk and talk (but the fact that we even have to say hopefully, when normally you don't even think about the fact they might not be able to) eventually, and some may even look at Rohan's development and compare that to their own children, it's natural I think, but it's not really talked about. It's hard to admit that he's behind, or that there's something causing these delays. All leading back to the fact he's different, things are harder and not straightforward.

So here we are, he's now 16 months but still around the age of 7-8 months developmentally. He has low muscle tone which means his body has to work so much harder to support itself. I actually forget how old he is often because when people ask his age I just give a vague answer of "just over a year" when I don't feel like going into it, or there's not really time. I'm not sure how long I can keep this up for to be honest, but I've still not perfected our story or how much to say and when. I don't really mind telling people, it's just I feel awkward. He does still look babyish to me, but his face is starting to show different, more grown up features so it's going to become obvious soon that he's not really only one.

For complete openess here is what he can do. He can roll back to front, and sometimes front to back (unless he gets his arm stuck). He can stay sitting for long periods of time, but we have to put him in sitting position, his legs are usually straight and pretty rigid, and he spends a lot of this time counter balancing himself. He can use both his arms to play in this position though, and will use a good pincer grip and transfer items between his hands. He's started to learn that he can drop and throw objects, and will look for them after he's dropped them. He uses his arms to communicate a lot of the time what he wants, by reaching, gesturing and lunging. He can pick objects up and move them aside to get to what he wants. He's starting to weight bear more whereas before if you tried to stand him up his legs would just go up. When he's on his front he can prop himself up on his elbows and use his hands to play, he likes to open flaps and turn pages in books. He can feed himself with his bottle and now his sippy cup, he also likes to use other objects such as his stacking cups to 'drink' out of. He likes to make our hands clap together, but hasn't worked out how to clap his own, even though recently I've seen movements that look like the start of it and waving.

We've been having weekly play and physio sessions where we are working on the transition between sitting and lying, and back again. He's doing pretty well at turning himself from sitting with his legs straight, to side sitting, with his legs bent to the side which then can lead to him kneeling, and supporting himself with his arms. He's struggling a little bit with the other way, which is to get up from side lying and push himself up with his arms. The thing is, is I can't remember the "normal" way of doing this. I can't remember how Theo got himself into sitting, then to lying and then to crawling. It's like it all happened too fast, but Rohan is in slow motion. He gets so tired too, his little body having to work twice as hard, and he's stubborn. He doesn't like to be put in positions he doesn't want to be in. It's hard to see him like this, and I think we all want to see him on the move.

I just don't think I even anticipated the impact of him being developmentally delayed. I mean day to day it doesn't cause us many problems, it's just hard work. It's hard because we have to practice with him everyday, hard because he gets frustrated and stuck and I feel like we have to move him room to room with us and just plonk him down when we need to get stuff done (with toys!)
It's hard emotionally too, to constantly compare, or think how nice it would be for Theo to be able to play with him a little more, to see them sitting and playing or Rohan toddling after Theo in the garden. It's hard to have to try and cover it up, or try and explain, or answer questions. I also think it's just a constant daily reminder that he has this syndrome, and that he's different. And whilst I love so many things about Rohan that make him him, I just wish he wasn't so delayed. I hate to say that because I can't change it and it's not his fault, but it's the way I feel a lot of the time.

I do celebrate and get so excited when he learns something new, and I know each milestone for us will be such a big occasion. But for now I guess I just have to embrace the extended baby phase for a little longer. I know we'll get there in our own way and time, and for now Rohan can continue distracting everyone from his lack of movement by his lovely smile.



Easter

Hiya, I hope everyone had a lovely easter weekend! I've never taken too much notice of Easter weekend, mainly because I'm not Christian and the whole story doesn't mean much to me. Also it is so mixed up with other traditions of the pagan holiday of fertility, such as the rabbit and the egg, that I would much rather celebrate this time of year for those reasons...seeing as the issue of fertility has been a big one in my life for the past year!

Anyway the weather has been so lovely (again) that it has just been really nice to be out and about (as usual!) Rob was away working on Friday and Saturday, so I had my first ever evening and night completely alone, so I was pretty anxious about it. This wasn't made better by Theo sounding like he had a bit of a cold, with lots of snuffling happening and coughing. So I gave him a little bit of Calpol as he was being pretty unsettled. But how do you know what is really wrong with them? It's really hard...

On friday I went to buy the new pram (one thing to tick off my wish list!) They had one of the patterns I wanted in stock, so I went for that. But I have to say the service at Mama's and Papa's was terrible. I haven't had customer service that bad in a long long while, especially when I'm about to spend quite a lot of money there. They were just completely inattentive, didn't once make eye contact, no one offered me any help, there were enough staff for how many customers there were, but none of them seemed to be able to do things competently, or even notice that there were people there waiting to be served. The girl who served me told me lots of wrong information and just looked put out if she had to do anything...it isn't just me who has had bad service there, other mum's who I spoke to about it said they had the same experience, and wouldn't be going there again...I'm going to try and write to head office and complain..fingers crossed they will give me some sort of compensation!!

Anyway, despite the bad service I love the new pram alot! It is so much easier to push and steer, is lighter and a lot smaller...and is very pretty! I do feel sorry for my old pram though. I have a terrible habit of feeling sorry for inanimate objects, and I feel like I have hurt the old prams feelings, and it's sitting there all rejected and has to watch the new pram being taken out, and thinking 'that used to be me'. It actually makes me feel really sad, poor little thing (well big thing) but still, it didn't do that much wrong, it was just a bit to big for my needs, but it did serve me well for the time we used it, all I hope is that it can go to a new home and be used again. Poor thing...


So anyway the rest of Friday was spent at a BBQ at one of my antenatal ladies house, with about 5 of the other women from the group. I was a bit nervous of going, as I still don't know them all that well, and they all know each other quite a lot, but it was fine. All of their husbands were there too, and as Rob had to work I was by myself. But I had a really nice time, they are all really friendly and welcoming so it wasn't a problem. But I did feel a little funny, and like I am sort of living this charade, as they are all married and in their 30's who own houses and are very middle class, then there is me...but in the end it doesn't matter, as I said, they are all lovely!

On Saturday I went to meet with Robyn for a lovely visit to the park, once again. They have a  little paddling pool there for children, so we took Theo in, well not really in, but just put his legs in the water, which was funny! I really do want to take him swimming soon! The rest of the day was spent round my friend Nicky's house, also a friend from the antenatal group. Sam is 4 weeks older than Theo, and is really sweet! They measure about the same in size though...


It is lovely hanging out with other little babies, and makes it a lot easier to look after them all day if you have someone else doing the same thing too! Sam was showing me his new trick, which is rolling over onto his front! Very sweet and clever. This morning Theo was in his gym thrashing about as usual, at one point I looked down and he had rolled himself onto his side, so it doesn't look like it will be long before he is rolling over too!

So that was Saturday, and Rob returned home in the evening and came round to see Sam, Nicky and Matt.

Yesterday morning was spent in true Sunday style, lazing around in bed eating biscuits and chocolate playing with the bebe.




In the afternoon we then went to Rob's parents for Sunday lunch, and had a nice sit out in the garden. Theo had a tour round the garden and got a feel for the plants!


I am really glad Theo was born when he was because it's been so lovely being able to go out with him and to see him be a lot more observant and interacting with things...also it's nice that I have the energy to go out and do things, instead of being stuck inside like I was in the beginning.

Right so I think that's all for now! Rob has the day off tomorrow, and I would quite like to get out of the city and into the countryside, if the weather is nice! But adios for now.



Easter

Hiya, I hope everyone had a lovely easter weekend! I've never taken too much notice of Easter weekend, mainly because I'm not Christian and the whole story doesn't mean much to me. Also it is so mixed up with other traditions of the pagan holiday of fertility, such as the rabbit and the egg, that I would much rather celebrate this time of year for those reasons...seeing as the issue of fertility has been a big one in my life for the past year!

Anyway the weather has been so lovely (again) that it has just been really nice to be out and about (as usual!) Rob was away working on Friday and Saturday, so I had my first ever evening and night completely alone, so I was pretty anxious about it. This wasn't made better by Theo sounding like he had a bit of a cold, with lots of snuffling happening and coughing. So I gave him a little bit of Calpol as he was being pretty unsettled. But how do you know what is really wrong with them? It's really hard...

On friday I went to buy the new pram (one thing to tick off my wish list!) They had one of the patterns I wanted in stock, so I went for that. But I have to say the service at Mama's and Papa's was terrible. I haven't had customer service that bad in a long long while, especially when I'm about to spend quite a lot of money there. They were just completely inattentive, didn't once make eye contact, no one offered me any help, there were enough staff for how many customers there were, but none of them seemed to be able to do things competently, or even notice that there were people there waiting to be served. The girl who served me told me lots of wrong information and just looked put out if she had to do anything...it isn't just me who has had bad service there, other mum's who I spoke to about it said they had the same experience, and wouldn't be going there again...I'm going to try and write to head office and complain..fingers crossed they will give me some sort of compensation!!

Anyway, despite the bad service I love the new pram alot! It is so much easier to push and steer, is lighter and a lot smaller...and is very pretty! I do feel sorry for my old pram though. I have a terrible habit of feeling sorry for inanimate objects, and I feel like I have hurt the old prams feelings, and it's sitting there all rejected and has to watch the new pram being taken out, and thinking 'that used to be me'. It actually makes me feel really sad, poor little thing (well big thing) but still, it didn't do that much wrong, it was just a bit to big for my needs, but it did serve me well for the time we used it, all I hope is that it can go to a new home and be used again. Poor thing...


So anyway the rest of Friday was spent at a BBQ at one of my antenatal ladies house, with about 5 of the other women from the group. I was a bit nervous of going, as I still don't know them all that well, and they all know each other quite a lot, but it was fine. All of their husbands were there too, and as Rob had to work I was by myself. But I had a really nice time, they are all really friendly and welcoming so it wasn't a problem. But I did feel a little funny, and like I am sort of living this charade, as they are all married and in their 30's who own houses and are very middle class, then there is me...but in the end it doesn't matter, as I said, they are all lovely!

On Saturday I went to meet with Robyn for a lovely visit to the park, once again. They have a  little paddling pool there for children, so we took Theo in, well not really in, but just put his legs in the water, which was funny! I really do want to take him swimming soon! The rest of the day was spent round my friend Nicky's house, also a friend from the antenatal group. Sam is 4 weeks older than Theo, and is really sweet! They measure about the same in size though...


It is lovely hanging out with other little babies, and makes it a lot easier to look after them all day if you have someone else doing the same thing too! Sam was showing me his new trick, which is rolling over onto his front! Very sweet and clever. This morning Theo was in his gym thrashing about as usual, at one point I looked down and he had rolled himself onto his side, so it doesn't look like it will be long before he is rolling over too!

So that was Saturday, and Rob returned home in the evening and came round to see Sam, Nicky and Matt.

Yesterday morning was spent in true Sunday style, lazing around in bed eating biscuits and chocolate playing with the bebe.



In the afternoon we then went to Rob's parents for Sunday lunch, and had a nice sit out in the garden. Theo had a tour round the garden and got a feel for the plants!


I am really glad Theo was born when he was because it's been so lovely being able to go out with him and to see him be a lot more observant and interacting with things...also it's nice that I have the energy to go out and do things, instead of being stuck inside like I was in the beginning.

Right so I think that's all for now! Rob has the day off tomorrow, and I would quite like to get out of the city and into the countryside, if the weather is nice! But adios for now.



On a lighter/darker note

When I was at my sisters we were talking about when the baby is born and how its brain develops. She showed me these books that are good for helping the babies sight develop, and brain develop.

I would (obviously) quite like my child to be smart, he doesn't have to be a genius, but being bright and intelligent would be good! So anything I can do when he's a baby to aid his brain developing well, I'm up for!

It's so strange starting to think about when the baby grows into a child, and how you will deal with all the things that bringing up a child involves. I'm hoping that the knowledge will somehow appear in my brain of how to do things, but I guess it's as much about me learning as it is with the child.

So anyway these books. It is said that babies respond well to strong contrasting colours, and bold shapes and designs ( see what I did with the title there? contrasting, light/dark, get it, yeh?) The look pretty good, and I wonder what else is out there to help the babies brain develop to it's full potential, I guess I will have to start researching!



Also today, some good news, I went to my antenatal swimming class as usual, and last week I had been chatting to a very nice lady who is preggos too. This week we were talking some more and I asked her if she wanted to sit and have a cup of tea after, so we had a nice chat about loads of different things, about our worries and excitements. She is 26 and having her first baby, who was also unexpected. It's really nice having someone who I get on with to talk about all these things, and she took my number so hopefully we will go for a cup of tea again...! yey friend! hah

That's all for now, I will update later with some more news potentially on the housing front, but I won't bore you with that again quite so soon!

p.s oh if anyone wants to get me any of these books they are really cheap on amazon, hint hint, haha!

On a lighter/darker note

When I was at my sisters we were talking about when the baby is born and how its brain develops. She showed me these books that are good for helping the babies sight develop, and brain develop.

I would (obviously) quite like my child to be smart, he doesn't have to be a genius, but being bright and intelligent would be good! So anything I can do when he's a baby to aid his brain developing well, I'm up for!

It's so strange starting to think about when the baby grows into a child, and how you will deal with all the things that bringing up a child involves. I'm hoping that the knowledge will somehow appear in my brain of how to do things, but I guess it's as much about me learning as it is with the child.

So anyway these books. It is said that babies respond well to strong contrasting colours, and bold shapes and designs ( see what I did with the title there? contrasting, light/dark, get it, yeh?) The look pretty good, and I wonder what else is out there to help the babies brain develop to it's full potential, I guess I will have to start researching!



Also today, some good news, I went to my antenatal swimming class as usual, and last week I had been chatting to a very nice lady who is preggos too. This week we were talking some more and I asked her if she wanted to sit and have a cup of tea after, so we had a nice chat about loads of different things, about our worries and excitements. She is 26 and having her first baby, who was also unexpected. It's really nice having someone who I get on with to talk about all these things, and she took my number so hopefully we will go for a cup of tea again...! yey friend! hah

That's all for now, I will update later with some more news potentially on the housing front, but I won't bore you with that again quite so soon!

p.s oh if anyone wants to get me any of these books they are really cheap on amazon, hint hint, haha!