The mourning of the baby years

I've been feeling this growing sense of sadness over the past few months. It's like a weight on my chest. Yes things have been stressful around here of late but I guess sometimes your emotions have a funny way of catching you out. I've tried to speak about it with a few people but it just catches me out, the sadness threatening to overspill and I have to stop.

It's a strange sadness, a mourning almost, it's happy but nostalgic. It's a sense of loss but of losing something that is still there right in front of you, not quite gone but never coming back. My heart has been aching for all those years that have sped by so unforgivingly, to be left with rose tinted memories and cherished moments. I feel guilty when I admit this, but I miss the time of me and him.

I don't ever wish that Rohan wasn't here with us, part of our family and so dear, my love for him is untainted by these feelings and the joy of him being here outweighs these feelings of sadness. But those emotions are here all the same.

I just found myself searching through old photographs and hot tears fell down my cheeks, as I scrolled through each photo it feeling as quick as the years passing themselves, Theo's childhood flashing before my eyes and me failing to keep up. I feel we're on the cusp of a big change, the next cycle and the true goodbye to those innocent years of childhood. Already I can see other people starting to weave their way into his being; his language, his thoughts, his influences. I feel each day a subtle change, and whilst I admire his independence and in-take of his world, soaking up information and forming his own ideas, I feel my own influence waning. I miss those years where he was just mine.

I know that you can never own a child, they are yours only to guide, not to control. He is, and always has been his own person in his own right but I feel like I'm handing some of that responsibility over and I'm not ready. I'm not ready for our special bond to be widened, even though it already has. He will always be my first born, the one who changed me and whilst I know that will never change, I know too now how quickly it slips through your fingers. It makes me fear for the future, for blinking and another five years has been and gone and left a new person in it's wake. Time is cruel and forever the saying "the days are long but the years are short" plays through my head. I know looking back it's easy to think how easy it was, how joyous the days were when I know that in truth it wasn't.

I didn't find it easy and I didn't enjoy it all, but now I long to step back in time, to spend one more day with a baby Theo, a two, three, four year old. To have his little hand creep into mine, to spend the afternoon curled together on the sofa watching another Thomas the tank engine and him squeal out the names of his favourite trains, to pack up a bag and head out for an adventure lasting all day, to watch him learn to leap without fear off objects onto the bed or into our arms. I miss the baby giggles and the big open mouth kisses. I miss the feel of his little body curled against mine as we co slept, I miss just having my little side-kick, my friend and the time of just me and him.

I love Theo now in all his growing up glory, his new adult teeth, his reading, his excitement for new crazes, his ideas. But now I know that this too will feel so long ago so soon. I feel torn when encouraging him to do things for himself, with the knowledge that he won't need me for all those little things anymore, it's like I've become to conscious of time passing and I'm clutching at moments before they too have passed to just memories. I don't want to go on like this, scared for change and the future. I can't wait to see him grow further, to experience all that comes with an older child and to carry on watching him bloom as an older brother. I don't know why just now this has all crept up on me, this feeling of loss and grief. Maybe I will always feel like this, my baby, my first, that attachment never quite lessening. I know he still needs me now, and I try my hardest to be there for him in return.

The other day we were chatting and he told me that sometimes he feels like I don't have as much time to do things with him because I am with Rohan, and whilst my heart broke I told him that we were so lucky that we had five years together just us, and Rohan will always have to share me. He then said like your love, we have to share your love. So I explained (whilst we were eating an Easter egg) that when Rohan was born my love for Rohan didn't split his easter egg in half, to be shared, that in fact Rohan has a whole new Easter egg, and Theo's remained intact. Both the same.  I hope he knows how much I love him, how much I cherish those years we had and how much I want to give more time to him now if I had it. I am trying to be present for him, to make more time to play a game one on one or chat because I know, even if it's for five or ten minutes, that it makes a difference. To us both.

I know too that I have another chance to experience childhood again through Rohan, however different it may be. Life with Rohan seems to be going in slow motion too, I get to keep him as my baby for a little longer.

Agh motherhood, why are you so bittersweet, so full of absolute joy that in turn, one day will make you feel wretched all over again.

The days are long, but the years are short. Don't I know it.


The mourning of the baby years

I've been feeling this growing sense of sadness over the past few months. It's like a weight on my chest. Yes things have been stressful around here of late but I guess sometimes your emotions have a funny way of catching you out. I've tried to speak about it with a few people but it just catches me out, the sadness threatening to overspill and I have to stop.

It's a strange sadness, a mourning almost, it's happy but nostalgic. It's a sense of loss but of losing something that is still there right in front of you, not quite gone but never coming back. My heart has been aching for all those years that have sped by so unforgivingly, to be left with rose tinted memories and cherished moments. I feel guilty when I admit this, but I miss the time of me and him.

I don't ever wish that Rohan wasn't here with us, part of our family and so dear, my love for him is untainted by these feelings and the joy of him being here outweighs these feelings of sadness. But those emotions are here all the same.

I just found myself searching through old photographs and hot tears fell down my cheeks, as I scrolled through each photo it feeling as quick as the years passing themselves, Theo's childhood flashing before my eyes and me failing to keep up. I feel we're on the cusp of a big change, the next cycle and the true goodbye to those innocent years of childhood. Already I can see other people starting to weave their way into his being; his language, his thoughts, his influences. I feel each day a subtle change, and whilst I admire his independence and in-take of his world, soaking up information and forming his own ideas, I feel my own influence waning. I miss those years where he was just mine.

I know that you can never own a child, they are yours only to guide, not to control. He is, and always has been his own person in his own right but I feel like I'm handing some of that responsibility over and I'm not ready. I'm not ready for our special bond to be widened, even though it already has. He will always be my first born, the one who changed me and whilst I know that will never change, I know too now how quickly it slips through your fingers. It makes me fear for the future, for blinking and another five years has been and gone and left a new person in it's wake. Time is cruel and forever the saying "the days are long but the years are short" plays through my head. I know looking back it's easy to think how easy it was, how joyous the days were when I know that in truth it wasn't.

I didn't find it easy and I didn't enjoy it all, but now I long to step back in time, to spend one more day with a baby Theo, a two, three, four year old. To have his little hand creep into mine, to spend the afternoon curled together on the sofa watching another Thomas the tank engine and him squeal out the names of his favourite trains, to pack up a bag and head out for an adventure lasting all day, to watch him learn to leap without fear off objects onto the bed or into our arms. I miss the baby giggles and the big open mouth kisses. I miss the feel of his little body curled against mine as we co slept, I miss just having my little side-kick, my friend and the time of just me and him.

I love Theo now in all his growing up glory, his new adult teeth, his reading, his excitement for new crazes, his ideas. But now I know that this too will feel so long ago so soon. I feel torn when encouraging him to do things for himself, with the knowledge that he won't need me for all those little things anymore, it's like I've become to conscious of time passing and I'm clutching at moments before they too have passed to just memories. I don't want to go on like this, scared for change and the future. I can't wait to see him grow further, to experience all that comes with an older child and to carry on watching him bloom as an older brother. I don't know why just now this has all crept up on me, this feeling of loss and grief. Maybe I will always feel like this, my baby, my first, that attachment never quite lessening. I know he still needs me now, and I try my hardest to be there for him in return.

The other day we were chatting and he told me that sometimes he feels like I don't have as much time to do things with him because I am with Rohan, and whilst my heart broke I told him that we were so lucky that we had five years together just us, and Rohan will always have to share me. He then said like your love, we have to share your love. So I explained (whilst we were eating an Easter egg) that when Rohan was born my love for Rohan didn't split his easter egg in half, to be shared, that in fact Rohan has a whole new Easter egg, and Theo's remained intact. Both the same.  I hope he knows how much I love him, how much I cherish those years we had and how much I want to give more time to him now if I had it. I am trying to be present for him, to make more time to play a game one on one or chat because I know, even if it's for five or ten minutes, that it makes a difference. To us both.

I know too that I have another chance to experience childhood again through Rohan, however different it may be. Life with Rohan seems to be going in slow motion too, I get to keep him as my baby for a little longer.

Agh motherhood, why are you so bittersweet, so full of absolute joy that in turn, one day will make you feel wretched all over again.

The days are long, but the years are short. Don't I know it.


The baby years

So you may have noticed that it's been a little quiet around here, mainly just because we've been pretty busy and also because I've had a little revamp of the old blog design and am having to iron out a few problems (switching platforms is a little annoying!)

This meant I had to go through some old posts and got a little emotional about a few things. Firstly I just can't believe how grown up Theo has suddenly become, how the baby years have all but slipped away and those days seem so long ago. I watched the little flipagram I made just before Rohan was born of our last year together just as a three and it made me cry big fat tears. It's like mourning another life, and I miss those days so much. I know we've got lots of amazing times to come but it just feels like it so quickly all flashes past your eyes and Theo's babyhood has well and truly finished. He spends most of his days in someone else's care and I just miss my little mate. I miss the adventures we went on together, that time to just be devoted to him.


This by all means doesn't mean that I'm not excited about Rohan growing up, I am, but one of the things that really hit me hard about Rohan's condition was the realisation that things would be so different this time around. It just made me feel nostalgic and like I'd lost something all at once. I wanted so much for have those types of days back, was excited for the future with a new baby and the chance to watch and witness them grow and follow a similar path as Theo. I didn't want to replace Theo, but it made me feel so honoured to be able to watch his life unfold and I couldn't wait for that again. I know I will have this with Rohan, watch him take on the world, grow and love and become his own little person but I know too that it will be different. Different can be good, there can be hidden moments we're not expecting and could never imagine and I'm excited for that, but I also feel sad. I feel sad that my expectations for the future have been altered, I'm sad that the life we imagined will be different, has already been so different. I'm worried that our baby won't be able to communicate or experience life in the same way. I'm sad that he may be in pain and for what he's already been through, and I'm sad that this sometimes can stand in the way of my relationship with him. I feel like a terrible person for not just opening my arms and accepting this different situation, but I'm scared for the future. I'm mourning the loss of Theo's younger years and I'm mourning the realisation that we may not to be able to have days and years the same like that in the future. I love my baby with all my heart and wouldn't change him being here for the world, but it feels different. It feels as though sometimes I'm a little scared to love him fully, those days and weeks spent with my arms empty and no baby to feed changed something.

It's hard to explain something like this, when all your plans and expectations are completely blown away. It's hard to also explain without sounding like I'm not thankful for Rohan being here, and sounding like I don't love him as much. Because I do, he's part of our family most definitely and I couldn't imagine life without him. He gives us so much joy and I just want to squeeze him he's so cute. It's just difficult to experience that change and loss of so much.

I guess you can never fully know what lies ahead of you, how your child will develop and who they will become and in part that's the exciting bit. We certainly didn't know who Theo would be, and have had many hard moments and points with him so I know all too well that you can't predict the future or a child. But I guess it just feels like everything is a waiting game. I'm trying not to rush ahead in my thoughts and wonder about which milestones he should be hitting etc but sometimes it all catches up with you, the mourning for the life you thought you would have and the worry about what the future holds.

I think I just need a reminder that Rohan will be who he is and will do things in his own way. Our lives will adapt to each new phase and we will cherish those moments of new milestones and celebrate all those achievements even more. I hope he will know how special he is to us, and how loved he is. I want to look back on the years the same I have with Theo, and feel that pride in my chest, that nostalgia and that happiness. Because even though things seem hard at the time, like they have done at many points with Theo, looking back you forget all those and just see a beautiful child growing and blossoming to the little boy he is today. I so want that with Rohan, and I know we will have that, but for now I need to just soak up these baby days. However different they are to how I imagined.

The baby years

So you may have noticed that it's been a little quiet around here, mainly just because we've been pretty busy and also because I've had a little revamp of the old blog design and am having to iron out a few problems (switching platforms is a little annoying!)

This meant I had to go through some old posts and got a little emotional about a few things. Firstly I just can't believe how grown up Theo has suddenly become, how the baby years have all but slipped away and those days seem so long ago. I watched the little flipagram I made just before Rohan was born of our last year together just as a three and it made me cry big fat tears. It's like mourning another life, and I miss those days so much. I know we've got lots of amazing times to come but it just feels like it so quickly all flashes past your eyes and Theo's babyhood has well and truly finished. He spends most of his days in someone else's care and I just miss my little mate. I miss the adventures we went on together, that time to just be devoted to him.


This by all means doesn't mean that I'm not excited about Rohan growing up, I am, but one of the things that really hit me hard about Rohan's condition was the realisation that things would be so different this time around. It just made me feel nostalgic and like I'd lost something all at once. I wanted so much for have those types of days back, was excited for the future with a new baby and the chance to watch and witness them grow and follow a similar path as Theo. I didn't want to replace Theo, but it made me feel so honoured to be able to watch his life unfold and I couldn't wait for that again. I know I will have this with Rohan, watch him take on the world, grow and love and become his own little person but I know too that it will be different. Different can be good, there can be hidden moments we're not expecting and could never imagine and I'm excited for that, but I also feel sad. I feel sad that my expectations for the future have been altered, I'm sad that the life we imagined will be different, has already been so different. I'm worried that our baby won't be able to communicate or experience life in the same way. I'm sad that he may be in pain and for what he's already been through, and I'm sad that this sometimes can stand in the way of my relationship with him. I feel like a terrible person for not just opening my arms and accepting this different situation, but I'm scared for the future. I'm mourning the loss of Theo's younger years and I'm mourning the realisation that we may not to be able to have days and years the same like that in the future. I love my baby with all my heart and wouldn't change him being here for the world, but it feels different. It feels as though sometimes I'm a little scared to love him fully, those days and weeks spent with my arms empty and no baby to feed changed something.

It's hard to explain something like this, when all your plans and expectations are completely blown away. It's hard to also explain without sounding like I'm not thankful for Rohan being here, and sounding like I don't love him as much. Because I do, he's part of our family most definitely and I couldn't imagine life without him. He gives us so much joy and I just want to squeeze him he's so cute. It's just difficult to experience that change and loss of so much.

I guess you can never fully know what lies ahead of you, how your child will develop and who they will become and in part that's the exciting bit. We certainly didn't know who Theo would be, and have had many hard moments and points with him so I know all too well that you can't predict the future or a child. But I guess it just feels like everything is a waiting game. I'm trying not to rush ahead in my thoughts and wonder about which milestones he should be hitting etc but sometimes it all catches up with you, the mourning for the life you thought you would have and the worry about what the future holds.

I think I just need a reminder that Rohan will be who he is and will do things in his own way. Our lives will adapt to each new phase and we will cherish those moments of new milestones and celebrate all those achievements even more. I hope he will know how special he is to us, and how loved he is. I want to look back on the years the same I have with Theo, and feel that pride in my chest, that nostalgia and that happiness. Because even though things seem hard at the time, like they have done at many points with Theo, looking back you forget all those and just see a beautiful child growing and blossoming to the little boy he is today. I so want that with Rohan, and I know we will have that, but for now I need to just soak up these baby days. However different they are to how I imagined.

So that was Christmas

So it's over, yesterday we took down the tree and cleared out the house ready for the new year that is so suddenly upon us. For some reason this year I just didn't feel all that Christmassy. It may have been the weather has been unusually warm and there were none of those crisp bustley days with hands wrapped round steaming cups of hot chocolate. Perhaps because Theo was in school and the weeks and weekends whizzed by until Christmas week was suddenly upon us, or perhaps it was because we had too many other things to actually think about, post Christmas. 

I tried to make an effort to make this year extra magical for Theo though, as it will be his last as just him and I wanted to make it one he would hopefully remember. For the first time ever I made him an advent calendar, which as well as little treats had Christmas activities in too. We went ice skating, visited Father Christmas, went to the local pantomime for the first time and did a few other festive activities. I hope that he enjoyed them all! 

All in all we stayed pretty close to home over the holidays, missing out on our usual trip across the country to see family and friends as I was a little scared about going into labour and being so far away from home and hospital. But it was actually good to have a break, it forever feels like I'm the one travelling all over the place to see friends, but sometimes you just need to realise your limitations and say no. If it means missing out on seeing people just because I didn't travel then that will have to be. Anyway, so it was different this year, we spent our weekends with little outings and tried to go on a few walks without the weather being totally rubbish, but it did mean that once again I rarely took any photographs. Sometimes though, it all passes in such a blur that you just need to be present to soak it all up. But here are the ones that I did manage - enjoy!


So that was Christmas

So it's over, yesterday we took down the tree and cleared out the house ready for the new year that is so suddenly upon us. For some reason this year I just didn't feel all that Christmassy. It may have been the weather has been unusually warm and there were none of those crisp bustley days with hands wrapped round steaming cups of hot chocolate. Perhaps because Theo was in school and the weeks and weekends whizzed by until Christmas week was suddenly upon us, or perhaps it was because we had too many other things to actually think about, post Christmas. 

I tried to make an effort to make this year extra magical for Theo though, as it will be his last as just him and I wanted to make it one he would hopefully remember. For the first time ever I made him an advent calendar, which as well as little treats had Christmas activities in too. We went ice skating, visited Father Christmas, went to the local pantomime for the first time and did a few other festive activities. I hope that he enjoyed them all! 

All in all we stayed pretty close to home over the holidays, missing out on our usual trip across the country to see family and friends as I was a little scared about going into labour and being so far away from home and hospital. But it was actually good to have a break, it forever feels like I'm the one travelling all over the place to see friends, but sometimes you just need to realise your limitations and say no. If it means missing out on seeing people just because I didn't travel then that will have to be. Anyway, so it was different this year, we spent our weekends with little outings and tried to go on a few walks without the weather being totally rubbish, but it did mean that once again I rarely took any photographs. Sometimes though, it all passes in such a blur that you just need to be present to soak it all up. But here are the ones that I did manage - enjoy!


The due date

 photo IMG_4473_zpsmmeeeiok.jpg

So this week has been an emotional one I'd say, for various reasons. Hormones, school placements and the would be due date of the baby.

Now this may once again seem self indulgent talking about the miscarriage once more, and perhaps some might think that I should be over it by now, but I can't really say that I am. Do you ever really get over it?

Six months has passed, and even though I tried not to pay close attention to it, the fact of the miscarriage and not being pregnant anymore was always at the back of my mind. Every so often I would think to myself, "I'd be this many weeks by now" or imaging how big I would be by this time and going through the stages mentally and all the would be's and could be's at each different stage. Then it came to this week, the week the baby would have been born had everything gone to plan.

The thing that makes me saddest about it all is that I imagine how things would have been for Theo. I'm sad that he won't get this chance to be a brother at home with a baby before he starts school. I'm sad that he will have reached a new stage in his life never knowing what it would be like to have a baby and a sibling around, and I'm sad because I can see how much he loves other people's babies and I'm worried that if we do eventually have another baby he will have grown out of that stage.

I feel like I've been putting my life on hold waiting to see if we get pregnant again, and in a desperate way I guess, I've been wanting to replace what we lost. I feel a bit better now that the would be due date is here and it feels like I can maybe move on from the loss and thinking about what would have been and concentrate on a whole new baby being created, different from the one that could have been.

It's been a hard few months of trying, waiting and being disappointed. New pregnancies are announced, babies have been born and all the while it feels like it will never happen to us again. I know stress has a huge part to play in not conceiving, but I guess it's hard not to put so much onto something when you really want it to happen.

I think I feel sad about a whole bunch of things especially to do with Theo going to school in September. For me I feel like it truly marks the end of his babyhood, the time of just me and him (and Rob too obviously!) being together the majority of the time. I feel like I have to share him and that he'll no longer look to me for guidance. I know it's all a bit melodramatic! The house is going to be quiet and the weeks will fly by. I guess I'm just not ready to be not so needed, for his new independence and so many experiences happening without me by his side. I miss my little baby! I obviously love him to bits as he is now, and have loved watching him grow into the boy he is today..but why does it have to go so fast?

But as of now I feel like I just need to make the most of what we have got. To cherish the time I have left with Theo before he starts school, and be glad that I have given him my undivided love and attention throughout his babyhood. I need to start loving myself a little more, take care of my body and try and not get stressed about what could have been. I feel now that Spring has sprung and new life is emerging I need to embrace this new start. To know that it's all over now, the date has passed and its time to move on and start again. 

The due date

 photo IMG_4473_zpsmmeeeiok.jpg

So this week has been an emotional one I'd say, for various reasons. Hormones, school placements and the would be due date of the baby.

Now this may once again seem self indulgent talking about the miscarriage once more, and perhaps some might think that I should be over it by now, but I can't really say that I am. Do you ever really get over it?

Six months has passed, and even though I tried not to pay close attention to it, the fact of the miscarriage and not being pregnant anymore was always at the back of my mind. Every so often I would think to myself, "I'd be this many weeks by now" or imaging how big I would be by this time and going through the stages mentally and all the would be's and could be's at each different stage. Then it came to this week, the week the baby would have been born had everything gone to plan.

The thing that makes me saddest about it all is that I imagine how things would have been for Theo. I'm sad that he won't get this chance to be a brother at home with a baby before he starts school. I'm sad that he will have reached a new stage in his life never knowing what it would be like to have a baby and a sibling around, and I'm sad because I can see how much he loves other people's babies and I'm worried that if we do eventually have another baby he will have grown out of that stage.

I feel like I've been putting my life on hold waiting to see if we get pregnant again, and in a desperate way I guess, I've been wanting to replace what we lost. I feel a bit better now that the would be due date is here and it feels like I can maybe move on from the loss and thinking about what would have been and concentrate on a whole new baby being created, different from the one that could have been.

It's been a hard few months of trying, waiting and being disappointed. New pregnancies are announced, babies have been born and all the while it feels like it will never happen to us again. I know stress has a huge part to play in not conceiving, but I guess it's hard not to put so much onto something when you really want it to happen.

I think I feel sad about a whole bunch of things especially to do with Theo going to school in September. For me I feel like it truly marks the end of his babyhood, the time of just me and him (and Rob too obviously!) being together the majority of the time. I feel like I have to share him and that he'll no longer look to me for guidance. I know it's all a bit melodramatic! The house is going to be quiet and the weeks will fly by. I guess I'm just not ready to be not so needed, for his new independence and so many experiences happening without me by his side. I miss my little baby! I obviously love him to bits as he is now, and have loved watching him grow into the boy he is today..but why does it have to go so fast?

But as of now I feel like I just need to make the most of what we have got. To cherish the time I have left with Theo before he starts school, and be glad that I have given him my undivided love and attention throughout his babyhood. I need to start loving myself a little more, take care of my body and try and not get stressed about what could have been. I feel now that Spring has sprung and new life is emerging I need to embrace this new start. To know that it's all over now, the date has passed and its time to move on and start again. 

a family walk: we're going on a bear hunt

This weekend we were away visiting my sister, and seeing as she lives in the idyllic Kent countryside we thought where better to take our weekly walk than in the woods just outside her house.

All weekend the weather had been battering the windows of her cosy cottage, keeping us inside huddled around the fire in the evenings, but on Sunday morning we awoke to the most beautiful, clear and sunny day. We pulled on our boots and walked down the small country lane. But this was no ordinary walk, this was a bear hunt.

Probably one of Theo's favourite books, so we decided to make it into a real life adventure and set out to find our own bear. We recited the words as we walked along, squishing through the mud and tripping through the woods.

Once we climbed to the top of the hill we found a castle and raced to the top to claim our right as the King. We rode on horses and stormed the castle and then invited the defeated in for tea. We stood at the top and looked out over the horizon trying to spot aunties house.

We stepped in between the trees to search for pine cones for the fire, as well as finding beech nuts and talking about squirrels. We ran down the slope and rounded and bend only to find a little den made out of old logs and branches from the pine trees. The ground had been swept and boundaries had been laid and we went to investigate to see whether the bear was home.


We found that the bear wasn't at home so we continued our search looking for tracks in the mud. We met people on way and Theo told them of our adventure to find a bear, and each one replied back with snippets from the story. We hid and listened to the sounds, and made growling noises as we pretended to be the bears ourselves.

Then we got tired and trudged our way back through the country lanes towards home.

To me this is what our family walks are all about. It's not just about getting fresh air, or seeing a nice view (which are great reasons to get out in the nature) but about so much more. I want to show Theo that woods, hills, streams and beaches can be his playground. The starting point for many adventures and stories, with so much to discover and learn in each place. To be a child who can spend hours building a perfect den with just what they have to hand, or search for nuts, seeds, berries and mushrooms, catch crabs in rock pools and see what lives in ponds and streams. To know the names of the different trees, what squirrels eat, how frogs are born. Of course we could learn all this in books, which is great, but I want him to really learn it and experience it for himself and part of my job is to provide him with the chance to learn and love this for himself. Part of me is worried that because he's growing up in the city that he won't have the same love for being in nature that I grew up with, but I'm just hoping that he continues to carry same spark of wander that he already appears to hold.

I hoping to see a screening of "Project Wild Thing" this week, and am very excited. I remember seeing the trailer and knowing it was something I wholeheartedly agree and believe in and I can't wait to watch the full film.

What about you, what adventures have you been on recently?

a family walk: we're going on a bear hunt

This weekend we were away visiting my sister, and seeing as she lives in the idyllic Kent countryside we thought where better to take our weekly walk than in the woods just outside her house.

All weekend the weather had been battering the windows of her cosy cottage, keeping us inside huddled around the fire in the evenings, but on Sunday morning we awoke to the most beautiful, clear and sunny day. We pulled on our boots and walked down the small country lane. But this was no ordinary walk, this was a bear hunt.

Probably one of Theo's favourite books, so we decided to make it into a real life adventure and set out to find our own bear. We recited the words as we walked along, squishing through the mud and tripping through the woods.

Once we climbed to the top of the hill we found a castle and raced to the top to claim our right as the King. We rode on horses and stormed the castle and then invited the defeated in for tea. We stood at the top and looked out over the horizon trying to spot aunties house.

We stepped in between the trees to search for pine cones for the fire, as well as finding beech nuts and talking about squirrels. We ran down the slope and rounded and bend only to find a little den made out of old logs and branches from the pine trees. The ground had been swept and boundaries had been laid and we went to investigate to see whether the bear was home.


We found that the bear wasn't at home so we continued our search looking for tracks in the mud. We met people on way and Theo told them of our adventure to find a bear, and each one replied back with snippets from the story. We hid and listened to the sounds, and made growling noises as we pretended to be the bears ourselves.

Then we got tired and trudged our way back through the country lanes towards home.

To me this is what our family walks are all about. It's not just about getting fresh air, or seeing a nice view (which are great reasons to get out in the nature) but about so much more. I want to show Theo that woods, hills, streams and beaches can be his playground. The starting point for many adventures and stories, with so much to discover and learn in each place. To be a child who can spend hours building a perfect den with just what they have to hand, or search for nuts, seeds, berries and mushrooms, catch crabs in rock pools and see what lives in ponds and streams. To know the names of the different trees, what squirrels eat, how frogs are born. Of course we could learn all this in books, which is great, but I want him to really learn it and experience it for himself and part of my job is to provide him with the chance to learn and love this for himself. Part of me is worried that because he's growing up in the city that he won't have the same love for being in nature that I grew up with, but I'm just hoping that he continues to carry same spark of wander that he already appears to hold.

I hoping to see a screening of "Project Wild Thing" this week, and am very excited. I remember seeing the trailer and knowing it was something I wholeheartedly agree and believe in and I can't wait to watch the full film.

What about you, what adventures have you been on recently?

baby it's cold outside...

So finally it happened, we got the snow I was hoping for! This winter, like every winter, I've been like a child slyly peeping through the curtains every morning to check whether it's snowed or not. Even though I'm an adult and can check the weather (which I do constantly) I still check just to make sure it hasn't by suprise! I hope this is something that Theo does as he grows up, as it really is the best when you peep through and realise that your world has been coated in white.

Luckily it was Rob's day off work anyway yesterday, so we wrapped up warm and headed out into the fluttering snow and made our way to a cafe to have breakfast.



 After breakfast Rob had a much needed haircut, before all the shops shut! We headed back home, dumped the buggy (bad idea in this weather!) and swapped our mode of transport for a sledge. Round the corner from us is the perfect sledging arena, and when we arrived it had already been well used!








We made snow angels, sledged down the hills and pushed around the giant snowball!





There's quite a few photos, but please click on to see them all!





Rob did most of the sledging with Theo, whilst I took videos. I wasn't sure how Theo would take to it, but he had a lot of fun whizzing down the hill! (as well as Rob, obviously)





 We had a little play in the snow, before all getting a bit too cold and tired so we turned back home for a warm bath, hot chocolate, a fire, sofa snuggles and a nap!






Hope you all had a fun day, and continue to this weekend! Don't think there is any more snow forecast for the next few days, so we're going to make the most of it and build a snowman in the garden!

Have fun, stay warm and safe everyone!

baby it's cold outside...

So finally it happened, we got the snow I was hoping for! This winter, like every winter, I've been like a child slyly peeping through the curtains every morning to check whether it's snowed or not. Even though I'm an adult and can check the weather (which I do constantly) I still check just to make sure it hasn't by suprise! I hope this is something that Theo does as he grows up, as it really is the best when you peep through and realise that your world has been coated in white.

Luckily it was Rob's day off work anyway yesterday, so we wrapped up warm and headed out into the fluttering snow and made our way to a cafe to have breakfast.



 After breakfast Rob had a much needed haircut, before all the shops shut! We headed back home, dumped the buggy (bad idea in this weather!) and swapped our mode of transport for a sledge. Round the corner from us is the perfect sledging arena, and when we arrived it had already been well used!








We made snow angels, sledged down the hills and pushed around the giant snowball!





There's quite a few photos, but please click on to see them all!





Rob did most of the sledging with Theo, whilst I took videos. I wasn't sure how Theo would take to it, but he had a lot of fun whizzing down the hill! (as well as Rob, obviously)





 We had a little play in the snow, before all getting a bit too cold and tired so we turned back home for a warm bath, hot chocolate, a fire, sofa snuggles and a nap!






Hope you all had a fun day, and continue to this weekend! Don't think there is any more snow forecast for the next few days, so we're going to make the most of it and build a snowman in the garden!

Have fun, stay warm and safe everyone!

the journey east

so this week has been quiet on here as it's been a little cray cray over here! It suddenly dawned on me that Christmas was only a week away, and I'd even forgotten that it's my birthday on Sunday...not something that would have happened a few years ago, let me tell you. (oh the perils of being a self sacrificing mother...)

I had to rush off to my Mums for a flying visit so I could fix and pick up my car (goodbye money) but we had fun decorating her Christmas tree and doing some shopping. Then back to Bristol for some last minute organising and errands, before we pack up the car today and head back East to my hometown and to visit my family. I did manage to squeeze in seeing my friend who is back for the holidays from Berlin, before she heads off to New York for 6 months living the dream (I'm very jealous) and then went out on a "work" night out with a couple of my mum friends. Well it wasn't a night out, more like a few quiet drinks in a pub next to the fire, but was lovely to chat properly without having to run off every two minutes. We even got heckled from a car driving by asking us to do something obscene....still got it obviously ;) Rob even gave up his opportunity to go on his work's Christmas party so I could go out, what a romantic!

I'm looking forward to going back to my hometown, and visiting some of my old haunts. We're all very excited to go on the mini steam train that I remember so vividly doing when I was a child too. It definitely feels like the start of Christmas, and the start of the holidays and relaxing. Rob's off now until the beginning to January, such a treat!

Anyway I hope to drop in over the next few days, but happy holidays to everyone!

the journey east

so this week has been quiet on here as it's been a little cray cray over here! It suddenly dawned on me that Christmas was only a week away, and I'd even forgotten that it's my birthday on Sunday...not something that would have happened a few years ago, let me tell you. (oh the perils of being a self sacrificing mother...)

I had to rush off to my Mums for a flying visit so I could fix and pick up my car (goodbye money) but we had fun decorating her Christmas tree and doing some shopping. Then back to Bristol for some last minute organising and errands, before we pack up the car today and head back East to my hometown and to visit my family. I did manage to squeeze in seeing my friend who is back for the holidays from Berlin, before she heads off to New York for 6 months living the dream (I'm very jealous) and then went out on a "work" night out with a couple of my mum friends. Well it wasn't a night out, more like a few quiet drinks in a pub next to the fire, but was lovely to chat properly without having to run off every two minutes. We even got heckled from a car driving by asking us to do something obscene....still got it obviously ;) Rob even gave up his opportunity to go on his work's Christmas party so I could go out, what a romantic!

I'm looking forward to going back to my hometown, and visiting some of my old haunts. We're all very excited to go on the mini steam train that I remember so vividly doing when I was a child too. It definitely feels like the start of Christmas, and the start of the holidays and relaxing. Rob's off now until the beginning to January, such a treat!

Anyway I hope to drop in over the next few days, but happy holidays to everyone!

A serious subject

So the weather has been lovely this last week, and I'm sure most of you have been enjoying it to! The sun does seem to bring out the best, sitting in parks eating lovely picnics, being able to wear summer dresses and sandals everyday, and more importantly being able to spend the day outside, all day! But sometimes I think the sun does tend to bring out bad things too, mainly, men taking their tops off (c'mon I don't want to see it!) girls wearing way too short shorts (again, c'mon I don't want to see your bum cheeks, thanks!) and more importantly people smoking everywhere.

Like I said, it's been amazing to take Theo to parks and sit around, but I've noticed that since the weather has been better the more people are sitting around smoking. Now I know it's a free country and people can legally smoke outside, and if they're an adult that's fine, (just please don't smoke too near me or my child!) but what really makes me feel sad is all the kids I see smoking. I know it's a fashionable thing to do, I used to smoke when I was about 16, then stopped for years, then started again, then stopped right before I got pregnant. But the thought of me smoking now makes me feel weird, I can't imagine it, and I can't imagine Theo growing up being around people who smoke. I know that there might be a point in the future when he is old enough that he might try smoking (I hope he doesn't!) but it's something that might not be within my control. But I'd just hate him to fall under peer pressure to look cool, and to have been drawn in by advertising and packaging.

When it was made illegal for big shops to display cigarette packets I thought this was a great idea, and I only hope that the move is made to all shops, and I really think that changing all packaging to plain packets would really help too. I know when I was younger I definitely had my favourite brand because of the packaging, and you were a certain type of person defined by what cigarette brand you smoked...weird. So take away the branding, and maybe cigarettes would loose some of their appeal.

I've been reading the info on this website that is trying to gain support from the public to help the government adopt of plain packaging policy for all cigarette brands.Take a look and sign up too if you feel it's an important campaign.


Smoking facts for kids
Protect our children. Visit the Plain Packaging Campaign for more information and to pledge your support.

I think it's such an important campaign, especially as I'm a mother, I hope that when Theo is old enough something like this will help change the way kids are pressured into smoking, and hopefully it will put kids off altogether. 

A serious subject

So the weather has been lovely this last week, and I'm sure most of you have been enjoying it to! The sun does seem to bring out the best, sitting in parks eating lovely picnics, being able to wear summer dresses and sandals everyday, and more importantly being able to spend the day outside, all day! But sometimes I think the sun does tend to bring out bad things too, mainly, men taking their tops off (c'mon I don't want to see it!) girls wearing way too short shorts (again, c'mon I don't want to see your bum cheeks, thanks!) and more importantly people smoking everywhere.

Like I said, it's been amazing to take Theo to parks and sit around, but I've noticed that since the weather has been better the more people are sitting around smoking. Now I know it's a free country and people can legally smoke outside, and if they're an adult that's fine, (just please don't smoke too near me or my child!) but what really makes me feel sad is all the kids I see smoking. I know it's a fashionable thing to do, I used to smoke when I was about 16, then stopped for years, then started again, then stopped right before I got pregnant. But the thought of me smoking now makes me feel weird, I can't imagine it, and I can't imagine Theo growing up being around people who smoke. I know that there might be a point in the future when he is old enough that he might try smoking (I hope he doesn't!) but it's something that might not be within my control. But I'd just hate him to fall under peer pressure to look cool, and to have been drawn in by advertising and packaging.

When it was made illegal for big shops to display cigarette packets I thought this was a great idea, and I only hope that the move is made to all shops, and I really think that changing all packaging to plain packets would really help too. I know when I was younger I definitely had my favourite brand because of the packaging, and you were a certain type of person defined by what cigarette brand you smoked...weird. So take away the branding, and maybe cigarettes would loose some of their appeal.

I've been reading the info on this website that is trying to gain support from the public to help the government adopt of plain packaging policy for all cigarette brands.Take a look and sign up too if you feel it's an important campaign.


Smoking facts for kids
Protect our children. Visit the Plain Packaging Campaign for more information and to pledge your support.

I think it's such an important campaign, especially as I'm a mother, I hope that when Theo is old enough something like this will help change the way kids are pressured into smoking, and hopefully it will put kids off altogether. 

Out and About: Bristol Zoo

So I took a little trip to Bristol Zoo yesterday, for a job interview. Most of you will probably know that I got the job, which is great! But more on that later.

After my interview I was allowed to stay and enjoy the Zoo, which is what I was hoping they would say, so I rang Rob's mum who was nearby with Theo, and they came in a joined us. We had a fun afternoon taking our time walking round the Zoo looking at all the animals. Theo really enjoyed it, but I think there was a bit too much for him to take in and he didn't really know what to look at first and just ran around everywhere!





We had such a fun day! I can't wait to visit more and more (hopefully with a free membership?!) with Theo, so he can go often and really get to know and enjoy the zoo and all its animals. It really is such a great place to grow up with as a kid. Rob has lots of memories from when he was a child, I think he even took his first steps there! And I can't wait for Theo to have the same!

More on the job side later!

Out and About: Bristol Zoo

So I took a little trip to Bristol Zoo yesterday, for a job interview. Most of you will probably know that I got the job, which is great! But more on that later.

After my interview I was allowed to stay and enjoy the Zoo, which is what I was hoping they would say, so I rang Rob's mum who was nearby with Theo, and they came in a joined us. We had a fun afternoon taking our time walking round the Zoo looking at all the animals. Theo really enjoyed it, but I think there was a bit too much for him to take in and he didn't really know what to look at first and just ran around everywhere!





We had such a fun day! I can't wait to visit more and more (hopefully with a free membership?!) with Theo, so he can go often and really get to know and enjoy the zoo and all its animals. It really is such a great place to grow up with as a kid. Rob has lots of memories from when he was a child, I think he even took his first steps there! And I can't wait for Theo to have the same!

More on the job side later!

Holidaying with nostalgia

hello, I imagine it's about time for some sort of update, as I know you have all been sitting on the edges of your seats for 2 whole days!

I've just got back from work and resting my aching feet! But today I realised that working in the deli part of the shop, where I cut cheese, and serve sausages, and weigh vegetables and fruit (like a real greengrocer) is actually my dream job.

When I was little I used to play shop ALL the time, it was my fave. I used to like collecting objects from various rooms, then pretend to either be the customer, or the shop owner (usually taking it in turns with whoever I was playing with). I have always been obsessed with tills, and I remember this old till we used to have at my aunts big old house, that my grand-dad built, in this amazing play shop in the cellar. Also I remember when my friend Catherine got a calculator which could produce receipts, there was no stopping us after that.

So basically working in the deli is like playing shop for 8 hours, except I get paid, which is awesome. I wish I could work there all the time. Oh plus I get to eat amazing food, like today I had fennel and red pepper soup...mmmmm

...

Tomorrow I plan to go to carboot sales around where my mum lives, I have yet to go to one this summer, and as it is August tomorrow, that is fairly bad going! But I'm pretty excited!
Then in the afternoon I'm going to drive to Bristol, to see my loved one (hah) and we are going to go on a date, which I'm also very excited about. We are going to eat some food, then going to go see Inception at the cinema. I will be in Bristol for a few days, then back here for my 16 week checkup with the midwife! (time is moving fast!)

...

Today I read an article about camping and it made me think of when I was little and when we used to go on holiday to France every year, and go camping. I loved these holidays. Also I liked it when we used to go in England. I remember one year, me and Sarah got in trouble at a campsite, and we were banned from the games room, because these older children that we were hanging out with, set off the fire extinguisher. They thought it was a foam one and said 'Let's have a foam party', but it was a water one...whoops. (This is a very childhood nostalgia related post)

But for the first time I got excited about going on my own family holidays in the future, and was thinking about the baby not just as a baby for once, but as an actual child. That sounds weird, but because at the moment I only think of it being a baby, and don't imagine it being older really. But when I was thinking about it today, it made me really happy to imagine me with the child. All of this makes me really happy, and I'm so excited for the future and about having a child.

...

I guess it's time for some sort of belly size update? I'll also show you my weird belly button?








Stomach pulled in

Stomach relaxed

Stomach pushed out








...

So other than this, there is no real news. I'm going to ask the midwife about my headahces on Wednesday, but I did read in one of the books the girl gave about migranes and headaches, and it said, as I expected that its just a side effect of hormones, and should hopefully go away. I haven't had a headache since I was sick, which is good. I'm starting to think the more active I am, the less headaches I get!

au revoir for now!

Holidaying with nostalgia

hello, I imagine it's about time for some sort of update, as I know you have all been sitting on the edges of your seats for 2 whole days!

I've just got back from work and resting my aching feet! But today I realised that working in the deli part of the shop, where I cut cheese, and serve sausages, and weigh vegetables and fruit (like a real greengrocer) is actually my dream job.

When I was little I used to play shop ALL the time, it was my fave. I used to like collecting objects from various rooms, then pretend to either be the customer, or the shop owner (usually taking it in turns with whoever I was playing with). I have always been obsessed with tills, and I remember this old till we used to have at my aunts big old house, that my grand-dad built, in this amazing play shop in the cellar. Also I remember when my friend Catherine got a calculator which could produce receipts, there was no stopping us after that.

So basically working in the deli is like playing shop for 8 hours, except I get paid, which is awesome. I wish I could work there all the time. Oh plus I get to eat amazing food, like today I had fennel and red pepper soup...mmmmm

...

Tomorrow I plan to go to carboot sales around where my mum lives, I have yet to go to one this summer, and as it is August tomorrow, that is fairly bad going! But I'm pretty excited!
Then in the afternoon I'm going to drive to Bristol, to see my loved one (hah) and we are going to go on a date, which I'm also very excited about. We are going to eat some food, then going to go see Inception at the cinema. I will be in Bristol for a few days, then back here for my 16 week checkup with the midwife! (time is moving fast!)

...

Today I read an article about camping and it made me think of when I was little and when we used to go on holiday to France every year, and go camping. I loved these holidays. Also I liked it when we used to go in England. I remember one year, me and Sarah got in trouble at a campsite, and we were banned from the games room, because these older children that we were hanging out with, set off the fire extinguisher. They thought it was a foam one and said 'Let's have a foam party', but it was a water one...whoops. (This is a very childhood nostalgia related post)

But for the first time I got excited about going on my own family holidays in the future, and was thinking about the baby not just as a baby for once, but as an actual child. That sounds weird, but because at the moment I only think of it being a baby, and don't imagine it being older really. But when I was thinking about it today, it made me really happy to imagine me with the child. All of this makes me really happy, and I'm so excited for the future and about having a child.

...

I guess it's time for some sort of belly size update? I'll also show you my weird belly button?








Stomach pulled in

Stomach relaxed

Stomach pushed out








...

So other than this, there is no real news. I'm going to ask the midwife about my headahces on Wednesday, but I did read in one of the books the girl gave about migranes and headaches, and it said, as I expected that its just a side effect of hormones, and should hopefully go away. I haven't had a headache since I was sick, which is good. I'm starting to think the more active I am, the less headaches I get!

au revoir for now!