It's that time again...

So guess what...it's time for another minor freak out and some more rambling from my brain. We of course have another hospital appointment tomorrow, one last heart and growth scan, which is most likely the cause of the racing thoughts going through my head and the need to let them escape onto this page.

 I'm dreading the scan tomorrow. I have the fear of bad news, even though there hasn't really been any more bad news since we've been having the extra scans, just possibilities and wait and sees. At our last scan the consultant informed us that the left ventricle was smaller than it was last time and whilst it didn't worry her, and she gave us her medical opinion that she didn't see it developing into a further problem, but still had to give us information on another heart condition that it could point to. A much more serious heart condition with a lower survival rate, more surgeries and unknown quality of life. Me being me needed to know the worse case scenario, and it did scare me. Suddenly what they originally diagnosed didn't seem that bad at all, and these past four weeks has seen me silently telling myself and the baby (and the universe) that everything will be ok, and that this isn't going to happen to us. In a way I don't even really want to go tomorrow, I don't want any bad news, not now that we're so close.



 I feel so many different emotions and worries. I can't even order them here on the page. Obviously as the due date fast approaches and I feel like I could go into labour any day now (I'm nearly 37 weeks, hold on until after Christmas please!) and just feel a little over the pregnancy now. Of course I still love feeling the little boy wriggling around inside, and I know that he is safe and still connected to me, which is something that I'm going to find hard to let go of, but I'm getting sick of being pregnant. The physical side of it is wearing me out, I'm too big and I forgot just how damn uncomfortable you are, and I do actually feel at peace with knowing this is my last. I'm also getting desperate to meet this little boy, to wonder what he'll look like, to know what ever it is that is wrong with him and to stop the guessing games.

 But it all makes me sad and to be honest a little cross. It's starting to feel so unfair that we won't have that special newborn time, I won't get to hold my baby for long after he's born, I'll have to leave hospital without him, express my milk instead of forming a breastfeeding bond straight away. Why does it have to be this way? Why can't I have a lovely healthy, perfect little baby to bring home with us to start this journey as a family of four? It's breaking my heart to have to keep on reminding myself that it's going to be so different this time. I just wish with everything I have that it's all going to be ok, that somehow, somewhere, someone has granted us just at least a little bit of good luck and that this story doesn't end in even more heartbreak.

 But yet there's still so much uncertainty. We don't know the full extent of the heart problem, we have to journey through the baby being treated for talipes and I guess we have to await any signs of other conditions that we may not have been aware of. Yesterday I met a lady who like us had problems diagnosed at her 20 week scan, and even though more problems were found during the rest of the pregnancy, they still had no idea that the baby would be born with an undiagnosable genetic disorder. Something that wouldn't have shown up on an amniocentesis test had they decided to have one. I know I shouldn't obsess and think that this is bound to happen to us, but of course it has me worried. We have the all clear for major known genetic disorders, but of course there could be something there. I'm terrified. I know that whatever will be will be, and that there's nothing we can do to change anything anyway but it doesn't stop my thinking what if. I don't want to go down that trail of thought again, I just want to be able to focus on the now and dealing with things as they come, but it's all getting so close.



 Can you see how panicky this is all making me? I feel slightly frantic in my thoughts and I just want some definite answers. I am a planner, I like things to be set out and organised and I just don't think I can deal with the waiting to see anymore. But you know what, more than anything I just want to hold my baby, to tell him that he's going to be ok, to bring him back to our home and into our lives and be able to love him fully. I want to see him grow and marvel at the new things he learns, I want to see the bond develop between him and Theo and I want to see how our life unfolds. I want this more than I've ever wanted anything before, more than I knew possible to want something. I want him to be ok.

Bear with me, I have a feeling these next few weeks will hold a whole host of tumbling thoughts and emotions, so perhaps it might be best to look away now if that's not your cup of tea. But they need to be set free somewhere.

It's that time again...

So guess what...it's time for another minor freak out and some more rambling from my brain. We of course have another hospital appointment tomorrow, one last heart and growth scan, which is most likely the cause of the racing thoughts going through my head and the need to let them escape onto this page.

 I'm dreading the scan tomorrow. I have the fear of bad news, even though there hasn't really been any more bad news since we've been having the extra scans, just possibilities and wait and sees. At our last scan the consultant informed us that the left ventricle was smaller than it was last time and whilst it didn't worry her, and she gave us her medical opinion that she didn't see it developing into a further problem, but still had to give us information on another heart condition that it could point to. A much more serious heart condition with a lower survival rate, more surgeries and unknown quality of life. Me being me needed to know the worse case scenario, and it did scare me. Suddenly what they originally diagnosed didn't seem that bad at all, and these past four weeks has seen me silently telling myself and the baby (and the universe) that everything will be ok, and that this isn't going to happen to us. In a way I don't even really want to go tomorrow, I don't want any bad news, not now that we're so close.



 I feel so many different emotions and worries. I can't even order them here on the page. Obviously as the due date fast approaches and I feel like I could go into labour any day now (I'm nearly 37 weeks, hold on until after Christmas please!) and just feel a little over the pregnancy now. Of course I still love feeling the little boy wriggling around inside, and I know that he is safe and still connected to me, which is something that I'm going to find hard to let go of, but I'm getting sick of being pregnant. The physical side of it is wearing me out, I'm too big and I forgot just how damn uncomfortable you are, and I do actually feel at peace with knowing this is my last. I'm also getting desperate to meet this little boy, to wonder what he'll look like, to know what ever it is that is wrong with him and to stop the guessing games.

 But it all makes me sad and to be honest a little cross. It's starting to feel so unfair that we won't have that special newborn time, I won't get to hold my baby for long after he's born, I'll have to leave hospital without him, express my milk instead of forming a breastfeeding bond straight away. Why does it have to be this way? Why can't I have a lovely healthy, perfect little baby to bring home with us to start this journey as a family of four? It's breaking my heart to have to keep on reminding myself that it's going to be so different this time. I just wish with everything I have that it's all going to be ok, that somehow, somewhere, someone has granted us just at least a little bit of good luck and that this story doesn't end in even more heartbreak.

 But yet there's still so much uncertainty. We don't know the full extent of the heart problem, we have to journey through the baby being treated for talipes and I guess we have to await any signs of other conditions that we may not have been aware of. Yesterday I met a lady who like us had problems diagnosed at her 20 week scan, and even though more problems were found during the rest of the pregnancy, they still had no idea that the baby would be born with an undiagnosable genetic disorder. Something that wouldn't have shown up on an amniocentesis test had they decided to have one. I know I shouldn't obsess and think that this is bound to happen to us, but of course it has me worried. We have the all clear for major known genetic disorders, but of course there could be something there. I'm terrified. I know that whatever will be will be, and that there's nothing we can do to change anything anyway but it doesn't stop my thinking what if. I don't want to go down that trail of thought again, I just want to be able to focus on the now and dealing with things as they come, but it's all getting so close.



 Can you see how panicky this is all making me? I feel slightly frantic in my thoughts and I just want some definite answers. I am a planner, I like things to be set out and organised and I just don't think I can deal with the waiting to see anymore. But you know what, more than anything I just want to hold my baby, to tell him that he's going to be ok, to bring him back to our home and into our lives and be able to love him fully. I want to see him grow and marvel at the new things he learns, I want to see the bond develop between him and Theo and I want to see how our life unfolds. I want this more than I've ever wanted anything before, more than I knew possible to want something. I want him to be ok.

Bear with me, I have a feeling these next few weeks will hold a whole host of tumbling thoughts and emotions, so perhaps it might be best to look away now if that's not your cup of tea. But they need to be set free somewhere.

All the emotions

So are you ready for another emotion mind dump? Well it's coming anyway.

 First of all, I think my brain just needs somewhere to go ARRRRGGGGGHHHH, every so often and right now it's here, so sorry about that. It's got to happen somewhere and I can feel myself get more and more agitated and worried and it feels like it's all going to boil over unless I somehow let it escape somewhere. But it seems to boil over anyway.

 This week, and the last have been hard. My emotions have been all over the place, I definitely have my cross days where everything seems like it's going against me and I just want a bit of peace. There are days where everything is actually fine and I get a glimpse of what the normal pregnancy would be feeling like and somehow seem to forget everything that is going on. Then there's the days full of anxiety and worry which then leads onto the days where I can feel the dam of tears swelling up behind my eyes and trying my hardest not to let them break free at the wrong moments. I have always loved the power of having a good cry, and when I do finally let them out, and have half an hour or so of good sobbing, nose running, drenched face crying it makes me feel a whole lot better.

 So it's been tough, I somehow convinced myself a little that this time would be somehow easier than the bit when we were waiting for results just after diagnosis. We can get ready and prepare and just wait for the baby and carry on like normal. Except that hasn't happened. There just seems to be more could be's about babies condition every week, new worries we didn't even consider and more potential bad news. There's never a straight answer, there's could be's and hope nots and unlikelys, but there's always the small chance. Just sit tight, wait and see and try not to worry.



 In the past few weeks we've been told that the babies heart might be showing a problem in the size of part of it, but it's not known until baby is born and even then the cardiologist is pretty confident it won't be a problem. I've been told I'm carrying Group B Strep, for which I have receive antibiotics for during labour as to not pass it onto the baby. Which is a relief in some way that it's been picked up now, but yet another thing to worry about in my already stressful labour. Finally, just yesterday the midwife got me all worried saying that I'm measuring pretty big (40cm at 34 weeks) and that they may need to assess me and send me for an emergency scan. On our last growth scan just under two weeks ago baby was measuring an average size, but with an abdominal circumference right at the top end of the scale (but still on the scale, thankfully). Yet again I have no idea what this all means, the midwife was particularly vague and told me not to worry (yeh thanks for that). So after a slightly panicked phone call to the fetal medicine unit at the hospital they have booked me in for a growth scan next week, just as a PRECAUTION. Nothing has been mentioned previously as a worry about the size or abdomen by the fetal medicine team and fingers crossed there will be nothing wrong, but you know, just one more thing to sit and worry about until we know for sure.

 It just makes me wonder when it will all stop, when the potential for bad news will end and we can 100% fully know what the problems are and how they can (hopefully) be fixed. Perhaps we will never know. And whilst there's been no more devastating news and prognosis is part of me needs to yell out: I'M NOT OK. I need a badge saying: I'm finding this hard, things are shitty. But I rarely like drawing attention to myself, but at the same time I feel in the world if you tend to not shout about your problems you get swallowed up by everyone else's and those who manage to shout louder than you. I'm not asking for constant attention and I'm not even sure what I want, I guess I just want to feel understood that it's not all normal, I'm not that excited, I've been finding it really tough and I find it hard to tell people this. I feel lonely and weirdly feel like I don't know if I matter to that many people. Perhaps that's my own doing, my inability to express my feelings more openly and keep in contact with people and update them on my troubles and woes, but I'm just not that sort of person. I guess I prefer to keep a brave face on, to not let that many people in and sometimes that can just backfire when no-one really knows what you are truly feeling. I hate to make a fuss and make people feel awkward, but it also makes me sad.

 I finished work this week, and left for potentially a year or so off. I got a few goodbyes and good lucks, but nothing more. I don't know what I was expecting, not a parade or a party of course, but perhaps a card or a small gesture to say something more. I only work 8 or so hours a week, and don't have any real connection to many people there, but people were aware of what I've been going through and I've been there nearly two years and you know what, it just hurt a little. Just to feel so insignificant and unthought about. It's only work, I know that, but it's just one more thing on top of everything else.

 So there you have it. I'm feeling shitty and sorry for myself. I don't want to be the party pooper in a world of happy healthy pregnancies so I keep my mouth shut, except of course for my occasional outbursts on here, my safe little place on the internet. Soz it's not all Christmas cheer, but you know, it's not always about that is it.

All the emotions

So are you ready for another emotion mind dump? Well it's coming anyway.

 First of all, I think my brain just needs somewhere to go ARRRRGGGGGHHHH, every so often and right now it's here, so sorry about that. It's got to happen somewhere and I can feel myself get more and more agitated and worried and it feels like it's all going to boil over unless I somehow let it escape somewhere. But it seems to boil over anyway.

 This week, and the last have been hard. My emotions have been all over the place, I definitely have my cross days where everything seems like it's going against me and I just want a bit of peace. There are days where everything is actually fine and I get a glimpse of what the normal pregnancy would be feeling like and somehow seem to forget everything that is going on. Then there's the days full of anxiety and worry which then leads onto the days where I can feel the dam of tears swelling up behind my eyes and trying my hardest not to let them break free at the wrong moments. I have always loved the power of having a good cry, and when I do finally let them out, and have half an hour or so of good sobbing, nose running, drenched face crying it makes me feel a whole lot better.

 So it's been tough, I somehow convinced myself a little that this time would be somehow easier than the bit when we were waiting for results just after diagnosis. We can get ready and prepare and just wait for the baby and carry on like normal. Except that hasn't happened. There just seems to be more could be's about babies condition every week, new worries we didn't even consider and more potential bad news. There's never a straight answer, there's could be's and hope nots and unlikelys, but there's always the small chance. Just sit tight, wait and see and try not to worry.



 In the past few weeks we've been told that the babies heart might be showing a problem in the size of part of it, but it's not known until baby is born and even then the cardiologist is pretty confident it won't be a problem. I've been told I'm carrying Group B Strep, for which I have receive antibiotics for during labour as to not pass it onto the baby. Which is a relief in some way that it's been picked up now, but yet another thing to worry about in my already stressful labour. Finally, just yesterday the midwife got me all worried saying that I'm measuring pretty big (40cm at 34 weeks) and that they may need to assess me and send me for an emergency scan. On our last growth scan just under two weeks ago baby was measuring an average size, but with an abdominal circumference right at the top end of the scale (but still on the scale, thankfully). Yet again I have no idea what this all means, the midwife was particularly vague and told me not to worry (yeh thanks for that). So after a slightly panicked phone call to the fetal medicine unit at the hospital they have booked me in for a growth scan next week, just as a PRECAUTION. Nothing has been mentioned previously as a worry about the size or abdomen by the fetal medicine team and fingers crossed there will be nothing wrong, but you know, just one more thing to sit and worry about until we know for sure.

 It just makes me wonder when it will all stop, when the potential for bad news will end and we can 100% fully know what the problems are and how they can (hopefully) be fixed. Perhaps we will never know. And whilst there's been no more devastating news and prognosis is part of me needs to yell out: I'M NOT OK. I need a badge saying: I'm finding this hard, things are shitty. But I rarely like drawing attention to myself, but at the same time I feel in the world if you tend to not shout about your problems you get swallowed up by everyone else's and those who manage to shout louder than you. I'm not asking for constant attention and I'm not even sure what I want, I guess I just want to feel understood that it's not all normal, I'm not that excited, I've been finding it really tough and I find it hard to tell people this. I feel lonely and weirdly feel like I don't know if I matter to that many people. Perhaps that's my own doing, my inability to express my feelings more openly and keep in contact with people and update them on my troubles and woes, but I'm just not that sort of person. I guess I prefer to keep a brave face on, to not let that many people in and sometimes that can just backfire when no-one really knows what you are truly feeling. I hate to make a fuss and make people feel awkward, but it also makes me sad.

 I finished work this week, and left for potentially a year or so off. I got a few goodbyes and good lucks, but nothing more. I don't know what I was expecting, not a parade or a party of course, but perhaps a card or a small gesture to say something more. I only work 8 or so hours a week, and don't have any real connection to many people there, but people were aware of what I've been going through and I've been there nearly two years and you know what, it just hurt a little. Just to feel so insignificant and unthought about. It's only work, I know that, but it's just one more thing on top of everything else.

 So there you have it. I'm feeling shitty and sorry for myself. I don't want to be the party pooper in a world of happy healthy pregnancies so I keep my mouth shut, except of course for my occasional outbursts on here, my safe little place on the internet. Soz it's not all Christmas cheer, but you know, it's not always about that is it.

The second child fear

So I am officially over half way through this pregnancy. 20 weeks, 140 days and a whole load of hours left to think about all that is about to change once more.

Last Thursday we had our 20 week scan, all is seemingly fine with the baby, apart from it being majorly uncooperative for certain parts of the anomaly scan meaning I have to return in a week or so just to try and get those parts checked and to know everything is all healthy and normal. So cue another week or so of worrying. I know that you can never find out everything that could potentially be wrong, but it sort of gives your mind a bit of ease to know that the baby is developing as it should.
But this is not my only reason for worrying. You may know by now that I am indeed quite a worrier, and recently I've been thinking about a whole host of things to make me feel anxious about the upcoming change.

I think most of these are fairly common thoughts to be having around this stage, but I thought I'd make a little list of the niggles that are keeping me awake sometimes. Also I think it helps to write them down to stop them going round my mind!

- Probably the most common, but not knowing whether I will love the new baby as much as Theo. I already feel like I'm not as focussed on the pregnancy as I was with Theo and just hope that I will have the same amount of love and devotion to give to this new little babe.

- Which leads me on to the feeling of not being able to give the baby all the time and attention that Theo has had. I know that perhaps because Theo will have started school I will at least get a good amount of time alone with the baby, which wouldn't have been possible had we had them closer together.

- I also worry about not being able to give Theo the same amount of time and attention that he's used to.

- I'm scared about not having enough patience for two children. Sometimes I find it hard enough to remain calm with just one child demanding my attention without having to split that in two.

- I'm worried how the tiredness of having a new baby is going to effect my ability to parent Theo and give him the support he needs in his first year of school.

- I'm worried about how the tiredness and divided attention is going to effect my relationship with Rob.

- I'm worried about the change in routine and loosing our evenings together and my freedom a little more.

- I'm scared that our family dynamic is going to change dramatically and how we will deal with normal life with a baby to look after too.

- I'm worried about loosing a little bit of my independence and need for alone time, I won't be able to sneak off to grab half an hour on my own as often as I probably need and I'm not sure how that will effect my mood and ability to stay calm!

There are probably a whole host of other worries that I've had and more that will appear, and I know that most of these are completely normal. I mean choosing to have another baby is quite a big decision and it's mainly the unknown that I am scared of. But saying that, from talking to friends and reading about people with second babies I know that once they actually arrive it just becomes the new normal and you somehow adapt and survive and can't really remember what your life was like pre two children (other than longingly remembering those uninterrupted lie ins...)
So any parents of more than one child please share your infinite knowledge and advice to try and slightly put my mind at ease! I know it will be hard, but I need to hear that I will hopefully manage!

The second child fear

So I am officially over half way through this pregnancy. 20 weeks, 140 days and a whole load of hours left to think about all that is about to change once more.

Last Thursday we had our 20 week scan, all is seemingly fine with the baby, apart from it being majorly uncooperative for certain parts of the anomaly scan meaning I have to return in a week or so just to try and get those parts checked and to know everything is all healthy and normal. So cue another week or so of worrying. I know that you can never find out everything that could potentially be wrong, but it sort of gives your mind a bit of ease to know that the baby is developing as it should.
But this is not my only reason for worrying. You may know by now that I am indeed quite a worrier, and recently I've been thinking about a whole host of things to make me feel anxious about the upcoming change.

I think most of these are fairly common thoughts to be having around this stage, but I thought I'd make a little list of the niggles that are keeping me awake sometimes. Also I think it helps to write them down to stop them going round my mind!

- Probably the most common, but not knowing whether I will love the new baby as much as Theo. I already feel like I'm not as focussed on the pregnancy as I was with Theo and just hope that I will have the same amount of love and devotion to give to this new little babe.

- Which leads me on to the feeling of not being able to give the baby all the time and attention that Theo has had. I know that perhaps because Theo will have started school I will at least get a good amount of time alone with the baby, which wouldn't have been possible had we had them closer together.

- I also worry about not being able to give Theo the same amount of time and attention that he's used to.

- I'm scared about not having enough patience for two children. Sometimes I find it hard enough to remain calm with just one child demanding my attention without having to split that in two.

- I'm worried how the tiredness of having a new baby is going to effect my ability to parent Theo and give him the support he needs in his first year of school.

- I'm worried about how the tiredness and divided attention is going to effect my relationship with Rob.

- I'm worried about the change in routine and loosing our evenings together and my freedom a little more.

- I'm scared that our family dynamic is going to change dramatically and how we will deal with normal life with a baby to look after too.

- I'm worried about loosing a little bit of my independence and need for alone time, I won't be able to sneak off to grab half an hour on my own as often as I probably need and I'm not sure how that will effect my mood and ability to stay calm!

There are probably a whole host of other worries that I've had and more that will appear, and I know that most of these are completely normal. I mean choosing to have another baby is quite a big decision and it's mainly the unknown that I am scared of. But saying that, from talking to friends and reading about people with second babies I know that once they actually arrive it just becomes the new normal and you somehow adapt and survive and can't really remember what your life was like pre two children (other than longingly remembering those uninterrupted lie ins...)
So any parents of more than one child please share your infinite knowledge and advice to try and slightly put my mind at ease! I know it will be hard, but I need to hear that I will hopefully manage!

a tough week

wow I can't actually believe it's Friday again, where has this week gone..oh right it's been swallowed by my all consuming exhausting bad mood...

I don't know if anyone else has experienced the 6 month wave of exhaustion? Sometimes this week I've felt as tired as I did in those very first weeks of Theo's life. I've been sleeping with Theo in the afternoons when he's taken his naps, because I literally can't keep my eyes open. I've also had those horrid feelings of being fed up, uninspired, worried about money and everything else and just feeling a little stuck.

I hate, hate feeling like this, because I actually love my little life, and really couldn't ask for anything more. I feel so lucky to have my little family and a nice comfortable home. It makes me feel like I'm being a spoilt brat and I should be more thankful that I have a happy, lovely healthy baby. A wonderful boyfriend (fiancee eek!) who is patient with me and is wonderful with everything else. And great family and friends to talk to and help out. I in fact feel really lucky. But sometimes it's easier to wallow in self pity, right?

Yesterday I met up with two twitter mummies and had a lovely afternoon (@stillawake and @kimbled) Kimberlee and I had a great and inspiring chat about future projects that I'm very excited about, but will talk about that more later on.

We also chatted about all things baby and mummy related, and again I do feel so lucky for what I have, and how things have turned out. We talked about something which I have talked about with many other mums about, and that is the feeling of the hugest amount of love and fear you feel for your baby at the same time. No-one ever really tells you about it before the baby is here, probably because it is pretty indescribable. But I guess it starts when you are pregnant, knowing that at some point something could go wrong, and even though you haven't met this little creature growing inside of you, you feel so protective over it already, and you fear so much anything going wrong. But when you actually meet the baby then that feeling is suddenly catapulted into the realm of the incomprehensible. When thinking about something happening to either Theo myself or Rob (which sadly happens quite a lot) I'm filled with the biggest feeling of fear and sadness at what life would be like if that did happen. It makes my brain hurt so much because I can't actually begin to know or feel what it would be like. When watching the news or programmes about things happening to peoples children or parents it pretty much makes me cry instantly because I put myself in that position. It is such an amazing parody. That the love you feel can be both so fulfilling and devastating at the same time.

So that's all, wow I don't really know where that all came from, not what I intended to write about, but I guess that's what this little blog here is all about! So my lesson for today is to stop being such a grump and be bloody thankful for what I have, as it is perfect.

a tough week

wow I can't actually believe it's Friday again, where has this week gone..oh right it's been swallowed by my all consuming exhausting bad mood...

I don't know if anyone else has experienced the 6 month wave of exhaustion? Sometimes this week I've felt as tired as I did in those very first weeks of Theo's life. I've been sleeping with Theo in the afternoons when he's taken his naps, because I literally can't keep my eyes open. I've also had those horrid feelings of being fed up, uninspired, worried about money and everything else and just feeling a little stuck.

I hate, hate feeling like this, because I actually love my little life, and really couldn't ask for anything more. I feel so lucky to have my little family and a nice comfortable home. It makes me feel like I'm being a spoilt brat and I should be more thankful that I have a happy, lovely healthy baby. A wonderful boyfriend (fiancee eek!) who is patient with me and is wonderful with everything else. And great family and friends to talk to and help out. I in fact feel really lucky. But sometimes it's easier to wallow in self pity, right?

Yesterday I met up with two twitter mummies and had a lovely afternoon (@stillawake and @kimbled) Kimberlee and I had a great and inspiring chat about future projects that I'm very excited about, but will talk about that more later on.

We also chatted about all things baby and mummy related, and again I do feel so lucky for what I have, and how things have turned out. We talked about something which I have talked about with many other mums about, and that is the feeling of the hugest amount of love and fear you feel for your baby at the same time. No-one ever really tells you about it before the baby is here, probably because it is pretty indescribable. But I guess it starts when you are pregnant, knowing that at some point something could go wrong, and even though you haven't met this little creature growing inside of you, you feel so protective over it already, and you fear so much anything going wrong. But when you actually meet the baby then that feeling is suddenly catapulted into the realm of the incomprehensible. When thinking about something happening to either Theo myself or Rob (which sadly happens quite a lot) I'm filled with the biggest feeling of fear and sadness at what life would be like if that did happen. It makes my brain hurt so much because I can't actually begin to know or feel what it would be like. When watching the news or programmes about things happening to peoples children or parents it pretty much makes me cry instantly because I put myself in that position. It is such an amazing parody. That the love you feel can be both so fulfilling and devastating at the same time.

So that's all, wow I don't really know where that all came from, not what I intended to write about, but I guess that's what this little blog here is all about! So my lesson for today is to stop being such a grump and be bloody thankful for what I have, as it is perfect.