Taking the scenic route



So I've wanted to write a little about this for a while. You all know how much I've struggled, in fact am still struggling to accept that things are different to how we thought they would be and it's been such a difficult journey to accept that our lives aren't going to go how we planned them out. But that's the nature of life right? We can never plan or foresee the future, things don't follow a linear line and we will never know what's just around or the corner, or indeed why this particular fate has befallen us.

Things are always changeable, plans fall through, things don't go as expected and we are given unexpected lessons and gifts. Perhaps at first it's hard to see how something can be a gift, how the hard times can indeed lead us to better times, open doors to worlds we never expected or dared to think of. Maybe it's our chance to let go of the familiar and embrace our chance to be lifted out of what is perceived to be a "normal" life and actually really challenge ourselves and prove ourselves as strong. If everything was easy we wouldn't appreciate the better times half as much. If we never knew pain or sadness would we feel happiness and love as strongly?

I know it all sounds a little deep and waffly, but I've been really trying hard to change my perception of this life that has chosen us. I'm trying to stop comparing Rohan's progress to the babies I don't know but see online or in everyday life who are developing better than he is. Babies born after him learning to do things he's still far away from achieving, if I think about it too much or look for too long my heart sinks and I feel lost. But I need to remember that Rohan is different, he will do these things in his own time, and I can be ok with that. In fact I watched this short film about Down Syndrome last week and I loved the phrase that said "she will be able to do all these things, we're just taking the scenic route." For once I felt like someone had actually put the way I'm feeling in a positive way, that so much about having a baby with special needs is about all the hard bits and the things you'll miss out on or how everything will be different, and whilst I know that these things will still be there it's so easy to overlook what positives it can all bring.

When Theo was a baby is was hard. We had the no sleep thing, the constant breastfeeding, the irritable baby who wanted to be held all the time. I had so many moments of not knowing what I was doing or if I was doing the right thing, constantly questioning our parenting choices and methods. I know perhaps a lot of this has to do with us being first time parents and our whole world being shaken up, but this time it all doesn't seem as hard. If you take out all the medical side and problems we face, and perhaps look past the developmental delay and the need to compare, things haven't been all too bad. Rohan is a very happy baby, he hardly cries or if he does it's easy to console him with a quick cuddle, he doesn't really fuss. He sleeps through the night and has done for most of his life. He's got himself into his own routine and takes regular naps in the day and is just content and self soothes. Rob's been able to form a strong bond with him a lot earlier than he did with Theo, and he's happy to be left with family members allowing us time to ourselves and perhaps our independence back a lot earlier than usual. I've already spent a few nights away from Rohan (aside from the 7 weeks when he was in hospital and we had to leave him, which was heartbreaking) and on the whole it seems as though our lives with a new baby has flowed pretty well. When we went to a couple of weddings over the summer some people commented on how much of a "good baby" he was (I definitely don't think a baby can be either good or bad btw!) probably because he didn't cry or interrupt and just fed, slept and was happy to just sit and be carried around. I wonder if perhaps he was a "normal" baby that he might have made more fuss and been a pain to take to weddings, and would people have been annoyed with us? I wondered whether this ideal of a "good baby" is something people expect, but usually isn't the case. Is it because of Rohan's genetic condition that makes him be like this, and is this how all babies are expected to act?

Anyway, I'm going off point. What I'm trying to say is that despite all the upset and worry there have been unexpected positives to all of this. Yes it's stressful and upsetting to think about the future and how it will be, but on a day to day basis, in our own little bubble it's good. Life is busier, full of appointments and school, but Rohan is easy to bring along, to hang out with. I've noticed to that I've found myself celebrating even the smallest of milestones even more, such as yesterday I gave him a little finger food and he guided it to his mouth perfectly and started to have a good chew. That's not something he could do last week and I was over the moon. I often hear people say they wish the baby bit would slow down, where you blink and they're no longer a squishy newborn but a sitting, crawling almost toddler. In some way at least we get to enjoy these early months for a little bit longer. We get to take the scenic route and I'm going to make sure I take in the view as I go along.

Rohan you little champ.


Taking the scenic route



So I've wanted to write a little about this for a while. You all know how much I've struggled, in fact am still struggling to accept that things are different to how we thought they would be and it's been such a difficult journey to accept that our lives aren't going to go how we planned them out. But that's the nature of life right? We can never plan or foresee the future, things don't follow a linear line and we will never know what's just around or the corner, or indeed why this particular fate has befallen us.

Things are always changeable, plans fall through, things don't go as expected and we are given unexpected lessons and gifts. Perhaps at first it's hard to see how something can be a gift, how the hard times can indeed lead us to better times, open doors to worlds we never expected or dared to think of. Maybe it's our chance to let go of the familiar and embrace our chance to be lifted out of what is perceived to be a "normal" life and actually really challenge ourselves and prove ourselves as strong. If everything was easy we wouldn't appreciate the better times half as much. If we never knew pain or sadness would we feel happiness and love as strongly?

I know it all sounds a little deep and waffly, but I've been really trying hard to change my perception of this life that has chosen us. I'm trying to stop comparing Rohan's progress to the babies I don't know but see online or in everyday life who are developing better than he is. Babies born after him learning to do things he's still far away from achieving, if I think about it too much or look for too long my heart sinks and I feel lost. But I need to remember that Rohan is different, he will do these things in his own time, and I can be ok with that. In fact I watched this short film about Down Syndrome last week and I loved the phrase that said "she will be able to do all these things, we're just taking the scenic route." For once I felt like someone had actually put the way I'm feeling in a positive way, that so much about having a baby with special needs is about all the hard bits and the things you'll miss out on or how everything will be different, and whilst I know that these things will still be there it's so easy to overlook what positives it can all bring.

When Theo was a baby is was hard. We had the no sleep thing, the constant breastfeeding, the irritable baby who wanted to be held all the time. I had so many moments of not knowing what I was doing or if I was doing the right thing, constantly questioning our parenting choices and methods. I know perhaps a lot of this has to do with us being first time parents and our whole world being shaken up, but this time it all doesn't seem as hard. If you take out all the medical side and problems we face, and perhaps look past the developmental delay and the need to compare, things haven't been all too bad. Rohan is a very happy baby, he hardly cries or if he does it's easy to console him with a quick cuddle, he doesn't really fuss. He sleeps through the night and has done for most of his life. He's got himself into his own routine and takes regular naps in the day and is just content and self soothes. Rob's been able to form a strong bond with him a lot earlier than he did with Theo, and he's happy to be left with family members allowing us time to ourselves and perhaps our independence back a lot earlier than usual. I've already spent a few nights away from Rohan (aside from the 7 weeks when he was in hospital and we had to leave him, which was heartbreaking) and on the whole it seems as though our lives with a new baby has flowed pretty well. When we went to a couple of weddings over the summer some people commented on how much of a "good baby" he was (I definitely don't think a baby can be either good or bad btw!) probably because he didn't cry or interrupt and just fed, slept and was happy to just sit and be carried around. I wonder if perhaps he was a "normal" baby that he might have made more fuss and been a pain to take to weddings, and would people have been annoyed with us? I wondered whether this ideal of a "good baby" is something people expect, but usually isn't the case. Is it because of Rohan's genetic condition that makes him be like this, and is this how all babies are expected to act?

Anyway, I'm going off point. What I'm trying to say is that despite all the upset and worry there have been unexpected positives to all of this. Yes it's stressful and upsetting to think about the future and how it will be, but on a day to day basis, in our own little bubble it's good. Life is busier, full of appointments and school, but Rohan is easy to bring along, to hang out with. I've noticed to that I've found myself celebrating even the smallest of milestones even more, such as yesterday I gave him a little finger food and he guided it to his mouth perfectly and started to have a good chew. That's not something he could do last week and I was over the moon. I often hear people say they wish the baby bit would slow down, where you blink and they're no longer a squishy newborn but a sitting, crawling almost toddler. In some way at least we get to enjoy these early months for a little bit longer. We get to take the scenic route and I'm going to make sure I take in the view as I go along.

Rohan you little champ.


All the emotions

So are you ready for another emotion mind dump? Well it's coming anyway.

 First of all, I think my brain just needs somewhere to go ARRRRGGGGGHHHH, every so often and right now it's here, so sorry about that. It's got to happen somewhere and I can feel myself get more and more agitated and worried and it feels like it's all going to boil over unless I somehow let it escape somewhere. But it seems to boil over anyway.

 This week, and the last have been hard. My emotions have been all over the place, I definitely have my cross days where everything seems like it's going against me and I just want a bit of peace. There are days where everything is actually fine and I get a glimpse of what the normal pregnancy would be feeling like and somehow seem to forget everything that is going on. Then there's the days full of anxiety and worry which then leads onto the days where I can feel the dam of tears swelling up behind my eyes and trying my hardest not to let them break free at the wrong moments. I have always loved the power of having a good cry, and when I do finally let them out, and have half an hour or so of good sobbing, nose running, drenched face crying it makes me feel a whole lot better.

 So it's been tough, I somehow convinced myself a little that this time would be somehow easier than the bit when we were waiting for results just after diagnosis. We can get ready and prepare and just wait for the baby and carry on like normal. Except that hasn't happened. There just seems to be more could be's about babies condition every week, new worries we didn't even consider and more potential bad news. There's never a straight answer, there's could be's and hope nots and unlikelys, but there's always the small chance. Just sit tight, wait and see and try not to worry.



 In the past few weeks we've been told that the babies heart might be showing a problem in the size of part of it, but it's not known until baby is born and even then the cardiologist is pretty confident it won't be a problem. I've been told I'm carrying Group B Strep, for which I have receive antibiotics for during labour as to not pass it onto the baby. Which is a relief in some way that it's been picked up now, but yet another thing to worry about in my already stressful labour. Finally, just yesterday the midwife got me all worried saying that I'm measuring pretty big (40cm at 34 weeks) and that they may need to assess me and send me for an emergency scan. On our last growth scan just under two weeks ago baby was measuring an average size, but with an abdominal circumference right at the top end of the scale (but still on the scale, thankfully). Yet again I have no idea what this all means, the midwife was particularly vague and told me not to worry (yeh thanks for that). So after a slightly panicked phone call to the fetal medicine unit at the hospital they have booked me in for a growth scan next week, just as a PRECAUTION. Nothing has been mentioned previously as a worry about the size or abdomen by the fetal medicine team and fingers crossed there will be nothing wrong, but you know, just one more thing to sit and worry about until we know for sure.

 It just makes me wonder when it will all stop, when the potential for bad news will end and we can 100% fully know what the problems are and how they can (hopefully) be fixed. Perhaps we will never know. And whilst there's been no more devastating news and prognosis is part of me needs to yell out: I'M NOT OK. I need a badge saying: I'm finding this hard, things are shitty. But I rarely like drawing attention to myself, but at the same time I feel in the world if you tend to not shout about your problems you get swallowed up by everyone else's and those who manage to shout louder than you. I'm not asking for constant attention and I'm not even sure what I want, I guess I just want to feel understood that it's not all normal, I'm not that excited, I've been finding it really tough and I find it hard to tell people this. I feel lonely and weirdly feel like I don't know if I matter to that many people. Perhaps that's my own doing, my inability to express my feelings more openly and keep in contact with people and update them on my troubles and woes, but I'm just not that sort of person. I guess I prefer to keep a brave face on, to not let that many people in and sometimes that can just backfire when no-one really knows what you are truly feeling. I hate to make a fuss and make people feel awkward, but it also makes me sad.

 I finished work this week, and left for potentially a year or so off. I got a few goodbyes and good lucks, but nothing more. I don't know what I was expecting, not a parade or a party of course, but perhaps a card or a small gesture to say something more. I only work 8 or so hours a week, and don't have any real connection to many people there, but people were aware of what I've been going through and I've been there nearly two years and you know what, it just hurt a little. Just to feel so insignificant and unthought about. It's only work, I know that, but it's just one more thing on top of everything else.

 So there you have it. I'm feeling shitty and sorry for myself. I don't want to be the party pooper in a world of happy healthy pregnancies so I keep my mouth shut, except of course for my occasional outbursts on here, my safe little place on the internet. Soz it's not all Christmas cheer, but you know, it's not always about that is it.

All the emotions

So are you ready for another emotion mind dump? Well it's coming anyway.

 First of all, I think my brain just needs somewhere to go ARRRRGGGGGHHHH, every so often and right now it's here, so sorry about that. It's got to happen somewhere and I can feel myself get more and more agitated and worried and it feels like it's all going to boil over unless I somehow let it escape somewhere. But it seems to boil over anyway.

 This week, and the last have been hard. My emotions have been all over the place, I definitely have my cross days where everything seems like it's going against me and I just want a bit of peace. There are days where everything is actually fine and I get a glimpse of what the normal pregnancy would be feeling like and somehow seem to forget everything that is going on. Then there's the days full of anxiety and worry which then leads onto the days where I can feel the dam of tears swelling up behind my eyes and trying my hardest not to let them break free at the wrong moments. I have always loved the power of having a good cry, and when I do finally let them out, and have half an hour or so of good sobbing, nose running, drenched face crying it makes me feel a whole lot better.

 So it's been tough, I somehow convinced myself a little that this time would be somehow easier than the bit when we were waiting for results just after diagnosis. We can get ready and prepare and just wait for the baby and carry on like normal. Except that hasn't happened. There just seems to be more could be's about babies condition every week, new worries we didn't even consider and more potential bad news. There's never a straight answer, there's could be's and hope nots and unlikelys, but there's always the small chance. Just sit tight, wait and see and try not to worry.



 In the past few weeks we've been told that the babies heart might be showing a problem in the size of part of it, but it's not known until baby is born and even then the cardiologist is pretty confident it won't be a problem. I've been told I'm carrying Group B Strep, for which I have receive antibiotics for during labour as to not pass it onto the baby. Which is a relief in some way that it's been picked up now, but yet another thing to worry about in my already stressful labour. Finally, just yesterday the midwife got me all worried saying that I'm measuring pretty big (40cm at 34 weeks) and that they may need to assess me and send me for an emergency scan. On our last growth scan just under two weeks ago baby was measuring an average size, but with an abdominal circumference right at the top end of the scale (but still on the scale, thankfully). Yet again I have no idea what this all means, the midwife was particularly vague and told me not to worry (yeh thanks for that). So after a slightly panicked phone call to the fetal medicine unit at the hospital they have booked me in for a growth scan next week, just as a PRECAUTION. Nothing has been mentioned previously as a worry about the size or abdomen by the fetal medicine team and fingers crossed there will be nothing wrong, but you know, just one more thing to sit and worry about until we know for sure.

 It just makes me wonder when it will all stop, when the potential for bad news will end and we can 100% fully know what the problems are and how they can (hopefully) be fixed. Perhaps we will never know. And whilst there's been no more devastating news and prognosis is part of me needs to yell out: I'M NOT OK. I need a badge saying: I'm finding this hard, things are shitty. But I rarely like drawing attention to myself, but at the same time I feel in the world if you tend to not shout about your problems you get swallowed up by everyone else's and those who manage to shout louder than you. I'm not asking for constant attention and I'm not even sure what I want, I guess I just want to feel understood that it's not all normal, I'm not that excited, I've been finding it really tough and I find it hard to tell people this. I feel lonely and weirdly feel like I don't know if I matter to that many people. Perhaps that's my own doing, my inability to express my feelings more openly and keep in contact with people and update them on my troubles and woes, but I'm just not that sort of person. I guess I prefer to keep a brave face on, to not let that many people in and sometimes that can just backfire when no-one really knows what you are truly feeling. I hate to make a fuss and make people feel awkward, but it also makes me sad.

 I finished work this week, and left for potentially a year or so off. I got a few goodbyes and good lucks, but nothing more. I don't know what I was expecting, not a parade or a party of course, but perhaps a card or a small gesture to say something more. I only work 8 or so hours a week, and don't have any real connection to many people there, but people were aware of what I've been going through and I've been there nearly two years and you know what, it just hurt a little. Just to feel so insignificant and unthought about. It's only work, I know that, but it's just one more thing on top of everything else.

 So there you have it. I'm feeling shitty and sorry for myself. I don't want to be the party pooper in a world of happy healthy pregnancies so I keep my mouth shut, except of course for my occasional outbursts on here, my safe little place on the internet. Soz it's not all Christmas cheer, but you know, it's not always about that is it.

Winter garden


It's taken me a few days to get to grips with the new year, the fact that the holidays are over and we are once more back into the weekly routine of work and nursery. After my initial relief of having a quiet weekend the quiet has now become, well a bit too quiet. My sisters have both left back to their respective homes, and I miss them both. I miss having people around who I feel totally comfortable with, who understand me, to hatch plans with and to share the beauty of places with. 

Over the Christmas holidays we did quite a lot of adventuring in and around Bristol, and it was great discovering areas I don't know too well myself and sharing the ones I do. It made me excited for the year to come and the changes and adventures that will hopefully happen. 

But for now I feel like hibernating, looking after myself and really figuring out what's important to me and my family. I mentioned before that my new year resolution was to love myself a little more. Not in a narcissistic way, but just to be kinder on myself. To know and recognise my strengths and not try and be someone I'm not just because I feel I have to. I've come to realise that I'm not a hugely social person, I don't have a wide circle of friends and I find it hard making new friends and 'selling' myself, networking and the like. But I've realised that's ok, I don't think I'm ever going to be that type of person, but I do really crave deep connections. I need to work on being more open and letting people in a bit more, working on the friendships I do already have and visiting more. I know perhaps I don't need to be a 'social butterfly' but I do still need to ask for help, or be there to help others when I can. 

I thought I'd share these photographs from one pink bathed frosty morning a week or so ago. I feel they match my mood quite well, hibernating, waiting to bloom and grow and leaning towards the sun for warmth and strength. 


Winter garden


It's taken me a few days to get to grips with the new year, the fact that the holidays are over and we are once more back into the weekly routine of work and nursery. After my initial relief of having a quiet weekend the quiet has now become, well a bit too quiet. My sisters have both left back to their respective homes, and I miss them both. I miss having people around who I feel totally comfortable with, who understand me, to hatch plans with and to share the beauty of places with. 

Over the Christmas holidays we did quite a lot of adventuring in and around Bristol, and it was great discovering areas I don't know too well myself and sharing the ones I do. It made me excited for the year to come and the changes and adventures that will hopefully happen. 

But for now I feel like hibernating, looking after myself and really figuring out what's important to me and my family. I mentioned before that my new year resolution was to love myself a little more. Not in a narcissistic way, but just to be kinder on myself. To know and recognise my strengths and not try and be someone I'm not just because I feel I have to. I've come to realise that I'm not a hugely social person, I don't have a wide circle of friends and I find it hard making new friends and 'selling' myself, networking and the like. But I've realised that's ok, I don't think I'm ever going to be that type of person, but I do really crave deep connections. I need to work on being more open and letting people in a bit more, working on the friendships I do already have and visiting more. I know perhaps I don't need to be a 'social butterfly' but I do still need to ask for help, or be there to help others when I can. 

I thought I'd share these photographs from one pink bathed frosty morning a week or so ago. I feel they match my mood quite well, hibernating, waiting to bloom and grow and leaning towards the sun for warmth and strength. 


missing out



So I had a mini revelation, or maybe it was just a realisation, either way I'm not sure why it hadn't occurred to me before.

I was driving in the early evening and I saw people getting off the bus after presumably a days work and making their way home. These people looked about my age, in their early-mid twenties and I started to wonder what their life was like. What it was like to return home after being at work all day, where they lived, with friends/housemates or a partner. What they would be having for dinner, if they were going out that evening, if they were doing a job they loved, on a career path or simply just working for some money to spend or save...? I wondered all of this and then I realised that I, and Rob also are never going to have this. We sort of skipped over that whole early adulthood, wondering about who we are, what we want to be and getting to know each other in our adult lives.

Rob turned twenty-five a few weeks ago, and my 27th birthday is approaching at the end of the year. I mean I feel like we've achieved quite a lot at quite a young age; we have a child, we've just got married, Rob is in a settled permanent career building job, we live in a nice area, have good friends etc. A few decades ago these life events would have been the complete norm for people our age, my parents got married at a younger age than we did and I could have even popped another child out by now. But still sometimes, in this day and age I feel like we've missed out on something.

Some friends of ours have just taken a gap in their job and career to go travelling together for six months. They worked hard and saved enough money to go and I'm very excited for their adventure, but obviously slightly jealous! I know that Rob and I will never have that freedom and chance to do something similar. Even if we weren't saving to go travelling we don't really have the chance to live that life. To both be in full time work, to be saving, to be spending the evenings with each other, going out with friends when we feel like it and doing spontaneous things.

For me I don't feel quite so bad, I'm a few years older than Rob and I feel like I have experienced quite a lot in my life pre-baby already. I started going to festivals when I was 14, have been on two gap years travelling around Eastern Europe, solo around Scotland and Norway, spent six months in India and Nepal, lived in a yurt and two communities in Wales for a year, learning to garden, look after goats and chickens and building our own little wooden house. I've learnt to drive, seen quite a lot of places, completed a University degree and generally had quite a lot of fun. I do however feel for Rob. sometimes. I know I shouldn't feel guilty as having a child was his choice (and perhaps responsibility) too, but I feel that he has missed out on things a little more that I have. He's worked incredibly hard to get to where he is today and to support our family, and I have to remind myself that this all happened when he was 22 years old. Most men his age might not have done the same as he did. I know he had plans to work and save money to travel, as he didn't before he went to uni and that obviously changed when we found out I was pregnant.

Of course some things you can't have control over. Well I mean we could have decided to make the decision to not have a child, and I wonder what our lives would be like then. Where would we be living, what would our jobs be and would we even still be together? I don't know, and really I don't care because that didn't happen and Theo exists in this world and I wouldn't want it any other way. But still sometimes I do wonder. What would have happened if we'd even just had a few years out of Uni together, to get to know each other before we had children? Have we missed out on something that we're never going to be able to get back?

Of course the benefit of having children early is that when they are grown up we will still be fairly young and able to do some of the things we have skipped over now, like travelling, saving and enjoying time together...but it won't be the same. I don't really know what I feel, I feel happy that we have chosen the life we have, and as you never know what will happen tomorrow I'm glad we have experienced the things we have. Learning how to support and grow together, experiencing the love you can have for a child and of course more recently celebrating our marriage. But at the same time I do mourn a little the life that we could have had, the life that the rest of our friends are enjoying. I know that the grass is always greener etc...but I guess you do have to wonder sometimes.

But at the end of the day, things aren't going to change or ever go back to how it was or could have been. I do feel immensely proud of what we've achieved in a short space of time and we've just got to continue to enjoy the life we have been given and accept what comes our way. We are lucky to have the things we do have, our health, family and friends and sometimes it's all too easy to start worrying and focussing on what could have been or what it would be like if things were different. In reality I'm not sure if I would want it any other way, this is the life we chose and I'm happy with that. 

missing out



So I had a mini revelation, or maybe it was just a realisation, either way I'm not sure why it hadn't occurred to me before.

I was driving in the early evening and I saw people getting off the bus after presumably a days work and making their way home. These people looked about my age, in their early-mid twenties and I started to wonder what their life was like. What it was like to return home after being at work all day, where they lived, with friends/housemates or a partner. What they would be having for dinner, if they were going out that evening, if they were doing a job they loved, on a career path or simply just working for some money to spend or save...? I wondered all of this and then I realised that I, and Rob also are never going to have this. We sort of skipped over that whole early adulthood, wondering about who we are, what we want to be and getting to know each other in our adult lives.

Rob turned twenty-five a few weeks ago, and my 27th birthday is approaching at the end of the year. I mean I feel like we've achieved quite a lot at quite a young age; we have a child, we've just got married, Rob is in a settled permanent career building job, we live in a nice area, have good friends etc. A few decades ago these life events would have been the complete norm for people our age, my parents got married at a younger age than we did and I could have even popped another child out by now. But still sometimes, in this day and age I feel like we've missed out on something.

Some friends of ours have just taken a gap in their job and career to go travelling together for six months. They worked hard and saved enough money to go and I'm very excited for their adventure, but obviously slightly jealous! I know that Rob and I will never have that freedom and chance to do something similar. Even if we weren't saving to go travelling we don't really have the chance to live that life. To both be in full time work, to be saving, to be spending the evenings with each other, going out with friends when we feel like it and doing spontaneous things.

For me I don't feel quite so bad, I'm a few years older than Rob and I feel like I have experienced quite a lot in my life pre-baby already. I started going to festivals when I was 14, have been on two gap years travelling around Eastern Europe, solo around Scotland and Norway, spent six months in India and Nepal, lived in a yurt and two communities in Wales for a year, learning to garden, look after goats and chickens and building our own little wooden house. I've learnt to drive, seen quite a lot of places, completed a University degree and generally had quite a lot of fun. I do however feel for Rob. sometimes. I know I shouldn't feel guilty as having a child was his choice (and perhaps responsibility) too, but I feel that he has missed out on things a little more that I have. He's worked incredibly hard to get to where he is today and to support our family, and I have to remind myself that this all happened when he was 22 years old. Most men his age might not have done the same as he did. I know he had plans to work and save money to travel, as he didn't before he went to uni and that obviously changed when we found out I was pregnant.

Of course some things you can't have control over. Well I mean we could have decided to make the decision to not have a child, and I wonder what our lives would be like then. Where would we be living, what would our jobs be and would we even still be together? I don't know, and really I don't care because that didn't happen and Theo exists in this world and I wouldn't want it any other way. But still sometimes I do wonder. What would have happened if we'd even just had a few years out of Uni together, to get to know each other before we had children? Have we missed out on something that we're never going to be able to get back?

Of course the benefit of having children early is that when they are grown up we will still be fairly young and able to do some of the things we have skipped over now, like travelling, saving and enjoying time together...but it won't be the same. I don't really know what I feel, I feel happy that we have chosen the life we have, and as you never know what will happen tomorrow I'm glad we have experienced the things we have. Learning how to support and grow together, experiencing the love you can have for a child and of course more recently celebrating our marriage. But at the same time I do mourn a little the life that we could have had, the life that the rest of our friends are enjoying. I know that the grass is always greener etc...but I guess you do have to wonder sometimes.

But at the end of the day, things aren't going to change or ever go back to how it was or could have been. I do feel immensely proud of what we've achieved in a short space of time and we've just got to continue to enjoy the life we have been given and accept what comes our way. We are lucky to have the things we do have, our health, family and friends and sometimes it's all too easy to start worrying and focussing on what could have been or what it would be like if things were different. In reality I'm not sure if I would want it any other way, this is the life we chose and I'm happy with that. 

what's in a name?



So now that the wedding is over and we're getting back to our normal routine it's time to catch up on all the things that have been pushed to the side (including this little blog!) and I need to start organising all the other things that crop up when you get married, like all the boring legal stuff. It still feels a little weird to call Rob my husband, and I haven't even really got the the part where I'm called Mrs!

It took me a while to decide what my name would become, and in fact I'm not even sure if it has legally changed...how do you do all of that stuff?! When Theo was born, maybe because we weren't married we gave him both of our last names. I would like to have the same name as my son, and I am also keen to keep my surname seeing as that I only have sisters, and my cousins are both girls as well, so if in theory we all got married and changed our names, then our family name would end. So it sort of makes sense to take the same last name as Theo. But so far nothing has been changed...is there some manual somewhere that tells you what and how you have to change your name once you become married? How do people know all about this sort of thing because we certainly don't!

Then there's all the other legal things to think about, changing my name on my passport, drivers licence, bank, bills even my email address? Do people actually bother with that? Then there's other grown up things to think of, such as wills and life insurance etc. It's all things that I feel I'm too young to think about, and considering the fact we don't own a house there's not much put in a will. But it would be reassuring to know that we had some sort of plan mapped out if (can't bear to think about) something ever happened to either of us just to know that Theo would be looked after properly. Sorry that's all a bit morbid isn't it, but I guess it's worthwhile to think about.

Any tips on what I need to do now that I'm a real grown up?!

what's in a name?



So now that the wedding is over and we're getting back to our normal routine it's time to catch up on all the things that have been pushed to the side (including this little blog!) and I need to start organising all the other things that crop up when you get married, like all the boring legal stuff. It still feels a little weird to call Rob my husband, and I haven't even really got the the part where I'm called Mrs!

It took me a while to decide what my name would become, and in fact I'm not even sure if it has legally changed...how do you do all of that stuff?! When Theo was born, maybe because we weren't married we gave him both of our last names. I would like to have the same name as my son, and I am also keen to keep my surname seeing as that I only have sisters, and my cousins are both girls as well, so if in theory we all got married and changed our names, then our family name would end. So it sort of makes sense to take the same last name as Theo. But so far nothing has been changed...is there some manual somewhere that tells you what and how you have to change your name once you become married? How do people know all about this sort of thing because we certainly don't!

Then there's all the other legal things to think about, changing my name on my passport, drivers licence, bank, bills even my email address? Do people actually bother with that? Then there's other grown up things to think of, such as wills and life insurance etc. It's all things that I feel I'm too young to think about, and considering the fact we don't own a house there's not much put in a will. But it would be reassuring to know that we had some sort of plan mapped out if (can't bear to think about) something ever happened to either of us just to know that Theo would be looked after properly. Sorry that's all a bit morbid isn't it, but I guess it's worthwhile to think about.

Any tips on what I need to do now that I'm a real grown up?!