Snow day!


I thought I had better get round to sharing a few pictures from when the beast from the east hit before Spring weaves it's way in and everything is looking green and fresh and the snow is long gone. 

It was romantic to see the snow falling non-stop, filling our world with white in an area that hardly gets transformed like this. There were whoops of joy from the street outside when the children got turned away at the school gates on Thursday morning. When the snow eased a little we ventured out to the village shops (a post office with essentials and a pharmacy) to stock up a little as you know, we're British and like to panic. But thankfully we did as the next day it was all gone! Rob was working from home anyway like normal, so we had nowhere to go and nothing to do other than enjoy the snow. But in actual fact, other than a few little runs around the garden, the wind was too strong and the temperature way too cold to enjoy it for long so we snuggled inside. Whilst Rohan napped Theo and I did some science experiments and then we all watched a movie together before our local pub was calling to us for open fires, homemade chips and a pint of guiness! We felt like true artic explorers, bravely battling the drifts and blizzard to get there.

Friday was the true snow day, and we dragged Rob away from his work for a little while to go sledging. There was no need to worry about where to go, we just had to follow the steady stream of people trekking up the hill pulling all sorts of sleds and homemade contraptions. We greeted classmates and people from the village before making our way up the top of the slope. This really is the best place we've ever been able to go sledging (to be fair it's not snowed this much in five years!) and it's only 10 minutes walk from our house. But it was amazing to see so many people out enjoying themselves, ourselves included!

Later Theo and I attempted to make a snowman, but after a lot of sweating away and time spent we only managed a meagre snowman. It was completely the wrong type of snow (who knew there was the wrong and right sort of snow to make a snowman!?) and way too powdery to stick together. But we persevered and made the skinniest, most sorrowful snowman you ever did see. Rohan had his first proper experience of snow too, we sat him down in his all in one and he was thoroughly enjoying watching everything going on until Theo put snow down his neck which he didn't really love! But then cue some falling into the snow from Theo and all was ok again, that is until a rogue snowball aimed at Theo hit him on the side of the head and it was game over. Not the best introduction to snow right?!

On Saturday with the snow already starting to melt we made one last trek up the hill for some sledging again, and then back home to make a much better snowman. It literally took about ten minutes after rolling three giant balls up around the garden to have a 6ft snowman whose head didn't cave in as soon as you touched it. 

By Sunday we were all ready to get out the village after being stuck for three days, and the roads seemed a lot clearer, so we got up early and headed into to Bristol and enjoyed the sudden jump up in temperature and the ability to go outside without 36 layers on. So that was that, our snow holiday for 2018!


Snow day!


I thought I had better get round to sharing a few pictures from when the beast from the east hit before Spring weaves it's way in and everything is looking green and fresh and the snow is long gone. 

It was romantic to see the snow falling non-stop, filling our world with white in an area that hardly gets transformed like this. There were whoops of joy from the street outside when the children got turned away at the school gates on Thursday morning. When the snow eased a little we ventured out to the village shops (a post office with essentials and a pharmacy) to stock up a little as you know, we're British and like to panic. But thankfully we did as the next day it was all gone! Rob was working from home anyway like normal, so we had nowhere to go and nothing to do other than enjoy the snow. But in actual fact, other than a few little runs around the garden, the wind was too strong and the temperature way too cold to enjoy it for long so we snuggled inside. Whilst Rohan napped Theo and I did some science experiments and then we all watched a movie together before our local pub was calling to us for open fires, homemade chips and a pint of guiness! We felt like true artic explorers, bravely battling the drifts and blizzard to get there.

Friday was the true snow day, and we dragged Rob away from his work for a little while to go sledging. There was no need to worry about where to go, we just had to follow the steady stream of people trekking up the hill pulling all sorts of sleds and homemade contraptions. We greeted classmates and people from the village before making our way up the top of the slope. This really is the best place we've ever been able to go sledging (to be fair it's not snowed this much in five years!) and it's only 10 minutes walk from our house. But it was amazing to see so many people out enjoying themselves, ourselves included!

Later Theo and I attempted to make a snowman, but after a lot of sweating away and time spent we only managed a meagre snowman. It was completely the wrong type of snow (who knew there was the wrong and right sort of snow to make a snowman!?) and way too powdery to stick together. But we persevered and made the skinniest, most sorrowful snowman you ever did see. Rohan had his first proper experience of snow too, we sat him down in his all in one and he was thoroughly enjoying watching everything going on until Theo put snow down his neck which he didn't really love! But then cue some falling into the snow from Theo and all was ok again, that is until a rogue snowball aimed at Theo hit him on the side of the head and it was game over. Not the best introduction to snow right?!

On Saturday with the snow already starting to melt we made one last trek up the hill for some sledging again, and then back home to make a much better snowman. It literally took about ten minutes after rolling three giant balls up around the garden to have a 6ft snowman whose head didn't cave in as soon as you touched it. 

By Sunday we were all ready to get out the village after being stuck for three days, and the roads seemed a lot clearer, so we got up early and headed into to Bristol and enjoyed the sudden jump up in temperature and the ability to go outside without 36 layers on. So that was that, our snow holiday for 2018!


So long January...a life update

So January was a bit of a shocker right? I hate to start the year off on such a bad foot but it just seemed to go from bad to worse.

Well let's not be too negative, there were some good moments. I spent time with my sister on her visit over, we had a few days exploring which is always great. We had a lovely day for Rohan's birthday and I feel I dealt with all the feelings that come with his birthday pretty well. Then it sort of tails off from there.

I ended up hibernating quite a lot, due largely to the fact that I was phoneless and also due to the fact that perhaps maybe I wasn't dealing the Rohan turning two all that well. It's so hard to remain positive about your situation when there are so many others celebrating their children's second birthdays and they look a lot more like you imagined celebrating yours would, but in fact it's not like that at all. So I tried to take a step back, to not get jealous, or feel angry and resentful, because at the end of the day those aren't nice feelings to have and everyone else has the right to celebrate their children's birthday and share it. I know I wouldn't think twice about it if we were in that situation and not plunged into the world that we are in.


But here we are. Then of course came hospital, the dread and the fear becoming a reality once more. Thankfully it was just a short stay whilst Rohan got over a nasty virus, which made his breathing when asleep pretty problematic (more so than it already is) and rendered us fairly useless at home to help him anymore. So a nearly midnight trip to A&E was made in full knowledge that we would be admitted (I don't take chances anymore and always pack our bags for at least a few nights stay). Nothing can really describe the feeling of having to be in hospital because of your sick child. You know they need to be there, and you're happy that they are being really well looked after and in the best place should anything need to be done, but at the same time you're desperate to be home. I hate not being able to split myself or be all together, or be there for both of my children, but it's impossible. Even if I was at home with Theo then I would feel guilty that I wasn't in hospital with Rohan. Then Rob came down with tonsillitis, leaving me just at hospital all day and night. We did thankfully have grandparents who came to see Rohan and help with Theo, which gave me chance to leave the hospital for half an hour or so to grab some lunch and fresh air. Rohan recovered pretty well and we were discharged, but I'm trying our hardest to just make sure we don't expose ourselves to too many germs and bugs.

But I didn't see Theo for about three days straight, and it was horrible. I know that this time he was really worried about Rohan, and for the first time seemed to really feel the weight of what was going on. I feel so bad about it all. He's had such a tough few weeks since this all happened and it stresses me out so much. I think sometimes that because of everything we have to deal with with Rohan becomes part of our daily life, we expect to have problems, it hits me harder I think when we have a difficult time with Theo. He's just been so cross at the moment, we've had massive meltdowns where he just seems so out of control and I'm at a loss at how to manage them for the best. He's having a few social problems at school too, and whilst he loves being there and learning it does worry me that because of the way he is, we're always going to have this sort of problem. He just doesn't take well to being wound up, or takes things way too literally and gets himself set on an idea or a fact he think's he heard but actually it's not the case but having to break it to him that it's something different is often a massive battle. I know we went through a similar stage at this time last year, and maybe it's all to do with turning a year older, the come down after Christmas then the excitement for his birthday, and of course everything with Rohan. I get all the reasons but it's just so difficult when you really need things to be a little easier.

I think because he is our "typical" child (I hate myself for having to write that, but I don't know how better to describe it) I think I expect things to be easier with him, for things just to coast along nicely and when they don't it just all feels too much. Of course that's such a massive expectation to put onto him (even though I obviously would never ever say that to him or give him that impression) and it's at times like these that I realise Theo has his own things to go through, and reaction to everything that is going on around him too. I'm really trying my best to understand that and give him support and time to work through it, but man does it all feel like all the things are being thrown at us at the moment.


I barely picked up my camera at all in January, I've got a mountain of work I need to do for my photography business and so many blog posts I want to write, but it all just has to be put to the side. I feel like I just want to press the reset button, to gather my thoughts for a little while longer and refresh my mind. It just feels so weighed down with all that is going on and sometimes I feel like I'm really struggling to keep on top of it all. But now January is over and we creep towards Spring I'm hoping that by the time the magnolia blooms we might be in a slightly better place. For even though I always put so much hope into the coming of Spring, it really does seem to set things right. It's my restorative time, the season I yearn for the most and when it finally arrives I feel like I can breathe a little lighter, I can start to feel positive and plan for the future a little more again and just be thankful for all that we have. But for now, the shutters are still slightly closed as we put our heads down and just try and get through the next month or so.


So long January...a life update

So January was a bit of a shocker right? I hate to start the year off on such a bad foot but it just seemed to go from bad to worse.

Well let's not be too negative, there were some good moments. I spent time with my sister on her visit over, we had a few days exploring which is always great. We had a lovely day for Rohan's birthday and I feel I dealt with all the feelings that come with his birthday pretty well. Then it sort of tails off from there.

I ended up hibernating quite a lot, due largely to the fact that I was phoneless and also due to the fact that perhaps maybe I wasn't dealing the Rohan turning two all that well. It's so hard to remain positive about your situation when there are so many others celebrating their children's second birthdays and they look a lot more like you imagined celebrating yours would, but in fact it's not like that at all. So I tried to take a step back, to not get jealous, or feel angry and resentful, because at the end of the day those aren't nice feelings to have and everyone else has the right to celebrate their children's birthday and share it. I know I wouldn't think twice about it if we were in that situation and not plunged into the world that we are in.


But here we are. Then of course came hospital, the dread and the fear becoming a reality once more. Thankfully it was just a short stay whilst Rohan got over a nasty virus, which made his breathing when asleep pretty problematic (more so than it already is) and rendered us fairly useless at home to help him anymore. So a nearly midnight trip to A&E was made in full knowledge that we would be admitted (I don't take chances anymore and always pack our bags for at least a few nights stay). Nothing can really describe the feeling of having to be in hospital because of your sick child. You know they need to be there, and you're happy that they are being really well looked after and in the best place should anything need to be done, but at the same time you're desperate to be home. I hate not being able to split myself or be all together, or be there for both of my children, but it's impossible. Even if I was at home with Theo then I would feel guilty that I wasn't in hospital with Rohan. Then Rob came down with tonsillitis, leaving me just at hospital all day and night. We did thankfully have grandparents who came to see Rohan and help with Theo, which gave me chance to leave the hospital for half an hour or so to grab some lunch and fresh air. Rohan recovered pretty well and we were discharged, but I'm trying our hardest to just make sure we don't expose ourselves to too many germs and bugs.

But I didn't see Theo for about three days straight, and it was horrible. I know that this time he was really worried about Rohan, and for the first time seemed to really feel the weight of what was going on. I feel so bad about it all. He's had such a tough few weeks since this all happened and it stresses me out so much. I think sometimes that because of everything we have to deal with with Rohan becomes part of our daily life, we expect to have problems, it hits me harder I think when we have a difficult time with Theo. He's just been so cross at the moment, we've had massive meltdowns where he just seems so out of control and I'm at a loss at how to manage them for the best. He's having a few social problems at school too, and whilst he loves being there and learning it does worry me that because of the way he is, we're always going to have this sort of problem. He just doesn't take well to being wound up, or takes things way too literally and gets himself set on an idea or a fact he think's he heard but actually it's not the case but having to break it to him that it's something different is often a massive battle. I know we went through a similar stage at this time last year, and maybe it's all to do with turning a year older, the come down after Christmas then the excitement for his birthday, and of course everything with Rohan. I get all the reasons but it's just so difficult when you really need things to be a little easier.

I think because he is our "typical" child (I hate myself for having to write that, but I don't know how better to describe it) I think I expect things to be easier with him, for things just to coast along nicely and when they don't it just all feels too much. Of course that's such a massive expectation to put onto him (even though I obviously would never ever say that to him or give him that impression) and it's at times like these that I realise Theo has his own things to go through, and reaction to everything that is going on around him too. I'm really trying my best to understand that and give him support and time to work through it, but man does it all feel like all the things are being thrown at us at the moment.


I barely picked up my camera at all in January, I've got a mountain of work I need to do for my photography business and so many blog posts I want to write, but it all just has to be put to the side. I feel like I just want to press the reset button, to gather my thoughts for a little while longer and refresh my mind. It just feels so weighed down with all that is going on and sometimes I feel like I'm really struggling to keep on top of it all. But now January is over and we creep towards Spring I'm hoping that by the time the magnolia blooms we might be in a slightly better place. For even though I always put so much hope into the coming of Spring, it really does seem to set things right. It's my restorative time, the season I yearn for the most and when it finally arrives I feel like I can breathe a little lighter, I can start to feel positive and plan for the future a little more again and just be thankful for all that we have. But for now, the shutters are still slightly closed as we put our heads down and just try and get through the next month or so.


December in photographs


So December. What a full on month hey? I do love this time of year and the build up to Christmas, there's that sort of excitement in the air and everyone is a little bit jollier. Until it all becomes too much, and the stress of it all breaks out, so as our weekends quickly filled up with trips, visits and tasks we took the opportunities to take it slow whenever they arose.

I had surgery at the beginning of the month, and to be honest it knocked me harder than I anticipated. I was exhausted. Add that to the rising amount of things I needed to do and remember, for school, Christmas and general life that I was so happy when school finally broke up. We had a few days of just the three of us, Theo saw a friend a few afternoons which gave me a little more time too. But anything compared to the craziness of moving house five days before Christmas as we did last year was better, so I reminded myself daily that at least we weren't unpacking boxes and building furniture!

We saw snow twice, the first time for Rohan, and Theo got his wish that he'd been hoping for for so long. We didn't get much at all, but a few days after Christmas we did get enough to do a little sledging up the big hill behind our village and gave Theo and I the chance to spend time together and blow out those cobwebs that being stuck inside over a rainy Christmas gives you!

I'm trying so hard to remember what else happened over the past month, but it all sort of blurs into a haze of business, visitors, eating too much, wintery walks, evenings at the pub, celebrating my birthday and staying inside being cosy. It's taken me quite a while to get back into the swing of things to be honest. I know that I want to put a bit more effort into this blog this year, as I feel what with starting my business, editing photo sessions and general life that this place became a little neglected. Fingers crossed I can keep up with it!



Here's a little video I made too, you can check out more of December on my youtube channel, as we attempted vlogmas (and made it up to day twelve! hah!)

December in photographs


So December. What a full on month hey? I do love this time of year and the build up to Christmas, there's that sort of excitement in the air and everyone is a little bit jollier. Until it all becomes too much, and the stress of it all breaks out, so as our weekends quickly filled up with trips, visits and tasks we took the opportunities to take it slow whenever they arose.

I had surgery at the beginning of the month, and to be honest it knocked me harder than I anticipated. I was exhausted. Add that to the rising amount of things I needed to do and remember, for school, Christmas and general life that I was so happy when school finally broke up. We had a few days of just the three of us, Theo saw a friend a few afternoons which gave me a little more time too. But anything compared to the craziness of moving house five days before Christmas as we did last year was better, so I reminded myself daily that at least we weren't unpacking boxes and building furniture!

We saw snow twice, the first time for Rohan, and Theo got his wish that he'd been hoping for for so long. We didn't get much at all, but a few days after Christmas we did get enough to do a little sledging up the big hill behind our village and gave Theo and I the chance to spend time together and blow out those cobwebs that being stuck inside over a rainy Christmas gives you!

I'm trying so hard to remember what else happened over the past month, but it all sort of blurs into a haze of business, visitors, eating too much, wintery walks, evenings at the pub, celebrating my birthday and staying inside being cosy. It's taken me quite a while to get back into the swing of things to be honest. I know that I want to put a bit more effort into this blog this year, as I feel what with starting my business, editing photo sessions and general life that this place became a little neglected. Fingers crossed I can keep up with it!



Here's a little video I made too, you can check out more of December on my youtube channel, as we attempted vlogmas (and made it up to day twelve! hah!)

A family walk : Weston part two


Oh winter is coming around pretty quickly isn't it? Why is it that those transitional seasons seem to be over so quickly when Summer and Winter seem to just drag on. But I thought I would celebrate the upcoming cold months with some forgotten photographs from last year, just a few days into the New Year and from a very cold but beautiful winter beach at Weston. 

I'm trying my hardest to revive this poor little blog, and I really need to dedicate some time to it, so I'm going through my drafts and trying to finish all those half written posts! It may not be chronological, but sometimes I like having that flash of remembrance and to look back. 
 

A family walk : Weston part two


Oh winter is coming around pretty quickly isn't it? Why is it that those transitional seasons seem to be over so quickly when Summer and Winter seem to just drag on. But I thought I would celebrate the upcoming cold months with some forgotten photographs from last year, just a few days into the New Year and from a very cold but beautiful winter beach at Weston. 

I'm trying my hardest to revive this poor little blog, and I really need to dedicate some time to it, so I'm going through my drafts and trying to finish all those half written posts! It may not be chronological, but sometimes I like having that flash of remembrance and to look back. 
 

A family walk : Weston-Super-Mare




On the days where you catch the light just right, the golden hour, and you're all revelling at filling your lung with the crisp winter sea air, many photographs are taken. I seemed to have forgotten to share them on here though, but they are some of my favourite and before we hurtle through Spring and into Summer, I thought I would sneak them in. There will be more to follow..at some point! 

Yours sincerely, the worlds worst blogger. 

A family walk : Weston-Super-Mare




On the days where you catch the light just right, the golden hour, and you're all revelling at filling your lung with the crisp winter sea air, many photographs are taken. I seemed to have forgotten to share them on here though, but they are some of my favourite and before we hurtle through Spring and into Summer, I thought I would sneak them in. There will be more to follow..at some point! 

Yours sincerely, the worlds worst blogger. 

A Rohan update: Part One

So it's been a long while, and I guess a lot has happened. I feel like I really want to keep up with the blog but it's just been one thing too many recently and I've found that writing out short updates or thoughts on Instagram have kept my feelings level, but there gets a point when I just need to write it all out.

These past few months have been tough, I was, as always hoping that this new year would be kinder to us, but alas I don't ever think wishful thinking is going to be the answer. In a way I've come to realise I need to just stop torturing myself when thinking that things will be easier, or if our lives were different and comparing my situation to others. I just need to accept the now and that this is the life we are living and I don't really have much control over the bigger things that happen, I just need to make the small changes to make the everyday a little easier. Without sounding like a teenager there is something interesting to remember about trying to live the life you've been given (yolo and all that) because really what else can we do? I'm not going to magically change Rohan's condition, things won't ever just change overnight to how we think they should be and I'm sad to admit that I think things will always be on the harder side for us. Maybe they won't be hard all the time, but for some reason this life has chosen us so I might as well try and make the most of it.


Anyway, that out of the way I guess I should try and record a little of what has been happening over the past few weeks, to try and start processing it all. I don't really feel like I have even began to, sometimes you feel like you're coping and it's all just carrying on like normal, but then something stops you in your tracks and you realise that actually the carrying on part is just a way of staving off really letting yourself feel the weight of what's been happening. But how do you begin that process? I wrote a little about how on Friday I got a sudden urge to have a big cry, to let the events of the last few weeks off my chest a little, where the tension has been held tight for fear I guess of letting it go and it all coming apart. The cry still hasn't happened, the tension is still there but with talking and sharing my feelings it's beginning to ease a little.

So, to carry on with the story and update, Rohan has spent about two and a half weeks in hospital over the last month or so. Just after his birthday in the middle of January I took him to the doctors as he was still not getting over a cold and coughing quite a lot. His weight was dropping due to the coughing and subsequent vomiting that comes with it. He was prescribed some antibiotics and we hoped he get better. He then perhaps caught another cold on top of that, and when we had a our Respiratory review a week or so later he was still suffering. When he was weighed we were so heartbroken to see that he had dropped quite a significant amount of weight and looked visibly skinny. We were given some different antibiotics and what was thought was just blocked upper airways from all the snot. We did mention to our consultant that we were a little worried as it seemed as though his oxygen saturations were dropping lower than usual overnight, but not much more was said on it and we were hoping the antibiotics would help shift things.

A few days later we travelled down to Devon to stay with Rob's grandparents for a little break, but by Saturday it became pretty clear that he wasn't very well. We tried our hardest to carry on like normal, but once we'd put him to bed, he just kept on dropping and staying low with his sats. He looked like he was working pretty hard to breathe too, so I decided enough was enough and he needed to go to A&E. It's scary admitting that you can't give the help your child needs, that you are not enough and knowing that he needs medical help. I was scared about going back to hospital, and I think the trauma and anxiety from when Rohan was first born and our long hospital stay was returning. But I knew we had done the right thing.

We were seen straight away and taken to resus where he had an oxygen mask and seemed to settle a little. He had a high temperature and was still working hard to breathe though. It's difficult going to a new hospital where they don't know him and having to explain his condition to various people. But the team were great and we were eventually moved to the children's ward to stay overnight for observation. By the time we got there it was getting into the early hours of the morning and we were all exhausted. Rohan just wanted to sleep and so did we. We decided that as only one of us could stay that I should drive back to Teignmouth and sleep whilst Rob stayed. The plan was to put him on a machine to help with his breathing, they also tried to put in an IV cannula but couldn't get access at all, so he had to have an IO needle which went into his bone marrow in his leg via a needle being screwed in. I'm so glad I wasn't there to see this happening and I'm not sure I could've handled it. I think it quickly became clear that he needed something else to help him breathe and he was moved to the HDU unit to have CPAP. When I first heard this it filled me with fear, because this is the machine that he was very first put on the night after he was born and remained on for a good week or so in intensive care. It made me worry that it was all happening all over again.

The next morning I returned and was so happy to see that he looked so much more settled. He'd had sleep, fluids and antibiotics and it all seemed to be helping. I think that first day he slept almost constantly. The ward was very quiet and we had lovely nurses and doctors to ourselves, as well as a room so we could both stay. Rohan did really well and recovered quickly and by the next day was off the cpap and didn't require any oxygen. He eagerly wanted milk and was showing signs of his normal happy self once more. It was such a relief. I think he stayed one more night for observation and then he was discharged. It helped ease my anxiety a lot that he could just have such a short stay and quick recovery and then be deemed well enough to go home. We thought we were over the worst of it and that hopefully now we would just take it easy at home.


I had no idea that once we got home we'd be back a week later. I can't believe that we managed a whole year without going in again after Rohan was born, so it all felt surreal but familiar to be there again. Once again we felt split between our two children and of course the anxiety and trauma surrounding Rohan's birth and hospital stay were there just below the surface. But you just have to carry on, you have to make arrangements for childcare and know that you'll miss bedtimes and it breaks your heart to not be all together, but you just do it anyway because what other choice do you have? I feel worried that this may be our future now, trying to avoid hospital stays during the winter and having to go through this all over again. I feel bad for Theo that he has to endure this, that he has no choice and however well he seems to understand it and handle it, I know it's having an effect and coming out in other ways. He still needs us, he misses his brother and I'm sad that this may be a reoccurring thing over the next few years. I'll try not to think about it, but it's always there at the back of my mind.

Part two of the update coming shortly...

A Rohan update: Part One

So it's been a long while, and I guess a lot has happened. I feel like I really want to keep up with the blog but it's just been one thing too many recently and I've found that writing out short updates or thoughts on Instagram have kept my feelings level, but there gets a point when I just need to write it all out.

These past few months have been tough, I was, as always hoping that this new year would be kinder to us, but alas I don't ever think wishful thinking is going to be the answer. In a way I've come to realise I need to just stop torturing myself when thinking that things will be easier, or if our lives were different and comparing my situation to others. I just need to accept the now and that this is the life we are living and I don't really have much control over the bigger things that happen, I just need to make the small changes to make the everyday a little easier. Without sounding like a teenager there is something interesting to remember about trying to live the life you've been given (yolo and all that) because really what else can we do? I'm not going to magically change Rohan's condition, things won't ever just change overnight to how we think they should be and I'm sad to admit that I think things will always be on the harder side for us. Maybe they won't be hard all the time, but for some reason this life has chosen us so I might as well try and make the most of it.


Anyway, that out of the way I guess I should try and record a little of what has been happening over the past few weeks, to try and start processing it all. I don't really feel like I have even began to, sometimes you feel like you're coping and it's all just carrying on like normal, but then something stops you in your tracks and you realise that actually the carrying on part is just a way of staving off really letting yourself feel the weight of what's been happening. But how do you begin that process? I wrote a little about how on Friday I got a sudden urge to have a big cry, to let the events of the last few weeks off my chest a little, where the tension has been held tight for fear I guess of letting it go and it all coming apart. The cry still hasn't happened, the tension is still there but with talking and sharing my feelings it's beginning to ease a little.

So, to carry on with the story and update, Rohan has spent about two and a half weeks in hospital over the last month or so. Just after his birthday in the middle of January I took him to the doctors as he was still not getting over a cold and coughing quite a lot. His weight was dropping due to the coughing and subsequent vomiting that comes with it. He was prescribed some antibiotics and we hoped he get better. He then perhaps caught another cold on top of that, and when we had a our Respiratory review a week or so later he was still suffering. When he was weighed we were so heartbroken to see that he had dropped quite a significant amount of weight and looked visibly skinny. We were given some different antibiotics and what was thought was just blocked upper airways from all the snot. We did mention to our consultant that we were a little worried as it seemed as though his oxygen saturations were dropping lower than usual overnight, but not much more was said on it and we were hoping the antibiotics would help shift things.

A few days later we travelled down to Devon to stay with Rob's grandparents for a little break, but by Saturday it became pretty clear that he wasn't very well. We tried our hardest to carry on like normal, but once we'd put him to bed, he just kept on dropping and staying low with his sats. He looked like he was working pretty hard to breathe too, so I decided enough was enough and he needed to go to A&E. It's scary admitting that you can't give the help your child needs, that you are not enough and knowing that he needs medical help. I was scared about going back to hospital, and I think the trauma and anxiety from when Rohan was first born and our long hospital stay was returning. But I knew we had done the right thing.

We were seen straight away and taken to resus where he had an oxygen mask and seemed to settle a little. He had a high temperature and was still working hard to breathe though. It's difficult going to a new hospital where they don't know him and having to explain his condition to various people. But the team were great and we were eventually moved to the children's ward to stay overnight for observation. By the time we got there it was getting into the early hours of the morning and we were all exhausted. Rohan just wanted to sleep and so did we. We decided that as only one of us could stay that I should drive back to Teignmouth and sleep whilst Rob stayed. The plan was to put him on a machine to help with his breathing, they also tried to put in an IV cannula but couldn't get access at all, so he had to have an IO needle which went into his bone marrow in his leg via a needle being screwed in. I'm so glad I wasn't there to see this happening and I'm not sure I could've handled it. I think it quickly became clear that he needed something else to help him breathe and he was moved to the HDU unit to have CPAP. When I first heard this it filled me with fear, because this is the machine that he was very first put on the night after he was born and remained on for a good week or so in intensive care. It made me worry that it was all happening all over again.

The next morning I returned and was so happy to see that he looked so much more settled. He'd had sleep, fluids and antibiotics and it all seemed to be helping. I think that first day he slept almost constantly. The ward was very quiet and we had lovely nurses and doctors to ourselves, as well as a room so we could both stay. Rohan did really well and recovered quickly and by the next day was off the cpap and didn't require any oxygen. He eagerly wanted milk and was showing signs of his normal happy self once more. It was such a relief. I think he stayed one more night for observation and then he was discharged. It helped ease my anxiety a lot that he could just have such a short stay and quick recovery and then be deemed well enough to go home. We thought we were over the worst of it and that hopefully now we would just take it easy at home.


I had no idea that once we got home we'd be back a week later. I can't believe that we managed a whole year without going in again after Rohan was born, so it all felt surreal but familiar to be there again. Once again we felt split between our two children and of course the anxiety and trauma surrounding Rohan's birth and hospital stay were there just below the surface. But you just have to carry on, you have to make arrangements for childcare and know that you'll miss bedtimes and it breaks your heart to not be all together, but you just do it anyway because what other choice do you have? I feel worried that this may be our future now, trying to avoid hospital stays during the winter and having to go through this all over again. I feel bad for Theo that he has to endure this, that he has no choice and however well he seems to understand it and handle it, I know it's having an effect and coming out in other ways. He still needs us, he misses his brother and I'm sad that this may be a reoccurring thing over the next few years. I'll try not to think about it, but it's always there at the back of my mind.

Part two of the update coming shortly...

A family walk: Clevedon


A crisp winters day in the quiet between Christmas and New year. Rob was back at work, we were all recovering from illness and moving but there was an itch to get out into the sun and explore. We've been to Clevedon many times before, but now we live even closer we didn't want to miss this chance and weather. We strolled along the front with many other people and made our way onto the beach, Rohan sat on the stones whilst we watched Theo leap from one rock to another and throwing pebbles into the pools with a satisfying plop! The sea was as far out as I had ever seen it and we ran down ramp right to the end. The water was so still and calm, the freezing colours of silver, blue and purple all around us.

We then took ourselves to a cafe to warm up with hot chocolate and lunch and Theo got his reward of an ice cream for being so well behaved. It was one of those days where it just worked, we had fun and I felt like a super women. 

A family walk: Clevedon


A crisp winters day in the quiet between Christmas and New year. Rob was back at work, we were all recovering from illness and moving but there was an itch to get out into the sun and explore. We've been to Clevedon many times before, but now we live even closer we didn't want to miss this chance and weather. We strolled along the front with many other people and made our way onto the beach, Rohan sat on the stones whilst we watched Theo leap from one rock to another and throwing pebbles into the pools with a satisfying plop! The sea was as far out as I had ever seen it and we ran down ramp right to the end. The water was so still and calm, the freezing colours of silver, blue and purple all around us.

We then took ourselves to a cafe to warm up with hot chocolate and lunch and Theo got his reward of an ice cream for being so well behaved. It was one of those days where it just worked, we had fun and I felt like a super women. 

December in Devon


The week before Christmas we took Theo down to Devon for a few days whilst we moved house. It was a little bit of calm before the crazy storm that was to come. I think visiting Rob's grandparents is always my place to go to for a little sanctuary. I'm not sure if it's the sea being so close but I always find it so therapeutic, plus Rob's grandparents always treat us so well that it's so hard not to enjoy it!

We only stayed for a day or two but I wanted make sure we did something a little special with Theo for Christmas before we left him for a few days, so we took him to a little zoo to visit Father Christmas. It's such a funny one, as now that he's getting older I wonder how long he'll believe in it all. This year I feel like he really believed it, but I'm sad to think that the magic won't last that long. I do really want to up our emphasis on that Christmas should be about giving and helping others as much as possible, and hopefully as the run up to Christmas won't be so hectic next year we can really try and do more.

We woke up to the valley being clouded in thick mist that refused the lift for the day which made it feel even more wintry and magical. The little zoo in Shaldon was quiet and we spent a bit of time looking at the monkeys before visiting the little grotto, where Santa spent ages chatting to Theo.

Afterwards we made our way down to the beach through the smugglers tunnel and marvelled at the fog covered beach, where I may have gone a little crazy with taking photographs, because you know, it just looks so beautiful!



December in Devon


The week before Christmas we took Theo down to Devon for a few days whilst we moved house. It was a little bit of calm before the crazy storm that was to come. I think visiting Rob's grandparents is always my place to go to for a little sanctuary. I'm not sure if it's the sea being so close but I always find it so therapeutic, plus Rob's grandparents always treat us so well that it's so hard not to enjoy it!

We only stayed for a day or two but I wanted make sure we did something a little special with Theo for Christmas before we left him for a few days, so we took him to a little zoo to visit Father Christmas. It's such a funny one, as now that he's getting older I wonder how long he'll believe in it all. This year I feel like he really believed it, but I'm sad to think that the magic won't last that long. I do really want to up our emphasis on that Christmas should be about giving and helping others as much as possible, and hopefully as the run up to Christmas won't be so hectic next year we can really try and do more.

We woke up to the valley being clouded in thick mist that refused the lift for the day which made it feel even more wintry and magical. The little zoo in Shaldon was quiet and we spent a bit of time looking at the monkeys before visiting the little grotto, where Santa spent ages chatting to Theo.

Afterwards we made our way down to the beach through the smugglers tunnel and marvelled at the fog covered beach, where I may have gone a little crazy with taking photographs, because you know, it just looks so beautiful!



A family walk: Mother's day

So it was my first Mother's day as a mother of two. For the past few years we've ventured to Wales to celebrate with my friend and her little boy and go on a lovely Spring walk around St.Fagans. We were all set to go but last minute train problems stopped our plans so we made a last minute decision to visit Prior Park in Bath instead. It was a nice little unexpected alternative and actually good to discover somewhere new to explore. The weather was bitingly cold with the sky heavy and little flurries of snow occasionally, but it was worth it for the views as we climbed to the top of the park and the fresh air to blow out the cobwebs.

Our Mother's day celebrations weren't that grand, but they were loving, which is all that matters. I got a homemade card from Theo, a tray of chocolates and some Lush bath bombs, but mainly I was thankful to be able to spend the day out with both my children. That and a lie in!



A family walk: Mother's day

So it was my first Mother's day as a mother of two. For the past few years we've ventured to Wales to celebrate with my friend and her little boy and go on a lovely Spring walk around St.Fagans. We were all set to go but last minute train problems stopped our plans so we made a last minute decision to visit Prior Park in Bath instead. It was a nice little unexpected alternative and actually good to discover somewhere new to explore. The weather was bitingly cold with the sky heavy and little flurries of snow occasionally, but it was worth it for the views as we climbed to the top of the park and the fresh air to blow out the cobwebs.

Our Mother's day celebrations weren't that grand, but they were loving, which is all that matters. I got a homemade card from Theo, a tray of chocolates and some Lush bath bombs, but mainly I was thankful to be able to spend the day out with both my children. That and a lie in!



My maternity winter wardrobe must haves!

1 - Ankle boots / 2 - Drop shoulder jacket / 3 - Mama Jyms / 4 - Striped dress / 5 - Slippers / 6 - Maternity tights / 7 - Woollen bobble hat

 I'm longing for the colder weather to arrive, it's been so mild and it puts me all out of sorts. I have yet to reach for my winter coat or hat and its a little disconcerting. I know once the cold weather does arrive I will be longing for these slightly warmer days, but for now all I want is to see my breath on chilly, bright and clear mornings whilst I'm wrapped up in ALL the layers.



 So I'm trying to will the weather by doing a little window shopping and creating a list of some of my winter must haves. Sometimes I think my wardrobe is a little too grey and perhaps I should inject some colour into it...but who am I kidding, I love grey and muted tones. I actually already own number two and four, the dress and drop shoulder coat from People Tree, and though neither of them are actual maternity wear, they have done me very well in these transitioning months of my growing size and the changing seasons! I love clothes that can be adapted and layered. The dress has been just the right thickness to be able to wear on its own on the warmer days, or under a lovely cardigan when its turned a little colder. The jacket has been my go to for the school run or everyday out and about, its the perfect combination of being warm without bulky and I think goes so well with many outfits. These maternity tights have been doing the job and of course you can't beat a good pair of Chelsea boots that can be slipped on (without laces!) for when the bump gets too big.

 As I seem to be spending more and more time at home, and will be for the foreseeable future, nesting and relaxing in my pregnant state I have been slightly obsessing over night and lounge wear! I love these mama jyms from The Bright Company and these slippers from Mahibis. They are definitely being added to my birthday and Christmas list! I also have an exclusive money off code for you, my lovely readers, to be able to use to get 10% off at People Tree for their AW15 range! Just use AATF10 at the checkout! (Valid until 23rd December)


My maternity winter wardrobe must haves!

1 - Ankle boots / 2 - Drop shoulder jacket / 3 - Mama Jyms / 4 - Striped dress / 5 - Slippers / 6 - Maternity tights / 7 - Woollen bobble hat

 I'm longing for the colder weather to arrive, it's been so mild and it puts me all out of sorts. I have yet to reach for my winter coat or hat and its a little disconcerting. I know once the cold weather does arrive I will be longing for these slightly warmer days, but for now all I want is to see my breath on chilly, bright and clear mornings whilst I'm wrapped up in ALL the layers.



 So I'm trying to will the weather by doing a little window shopping and creating a list of some of my winter must haves. Sometimes I think my wardrobe is a little too grey and perhaps I should inject some colour into it...but who am I kidding, I love grey and muted tones. I actually already own number two and four, the dress and drop shoulder coat from People Tree, and though neither of them are actual maternity wear, they have done me very well in these transitioning months of my growing size and the changing seasons! I love clothes that can be adapted and layered. The dress has been just the right thickness to be able to wear on its own on the warmer days, or under a lovely cardigan when its turned a little colder. The jacket has been my go to for the school run or everyday out and about, its the perfect combination of being warm without bulky and I think goes so well with many outfits. These maternity tights have been doing the job and of course you can't beat a good pair of Chelsea boots that can be slipped on (without laces!) for when the bump gets too big.

 As I seem to be spending more and more time at home, and will be for the foreseeable future, nesting and relaxing in my pregnant state I have been slightly obsessing over night and lounge wear! I love these mama jyms from The Bright Company and these slippers from Mahibis. They are definitely being added to my birthday and Christmas list! I also have an exclusive money off code for you, my lovely readers, to be able to use to get 10% off at People Tree for their AW15 range! Just use AATF10 at the checkout! (Valid until 23rd December)